tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82331656904584314582024-02-20T01:17:00.123+08:00That Nishiboy!Still in the business of making people cryNishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-22122942691903117892020-07-18T10:34:00.002+08:002020-07-18T10:34:54.047+08:00The pain of not wanting to get hurtI’m a man who has fallen in love and gotten hurt more times that I can remember. To me, love and relationships have become nothing but risks. I had loved with total abandon, with all my armors discarded, with my heart bared and at the mercy of someone else. And every time, I have been hurt. Every time, my heart was pierced, and I was left bleeding and gasping for air, with just enough breath in me to make it through to the next second.<br />
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I promised myself that I would not make that mistake again. Or that at least, if I do decide to give my heart to someone, if I decide to be someone’s boyfriend again, that I would take every step with caution. I would guard my heart. And should everything fall apart, like it always does, I swore that I wouldn’t be the one at the losing end. I will not lose myself. I will not go through that pain again. I will not fall to pieces.<br />
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Today, I lost my chance at someone who could have been good for me. I was protecting myself. I didn’t want to open myself up to him. I was sure that he wasn’t taking me seriously, that he was just someone who was passing through. I was sure that he was a guy who’s only meant to spend some fleeting moments with me before he moved on to someone else. He was just like the guys I’ve met before. He was just like who I was to them.<br />
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I did some stupid things and I ended up losing him. I was protecting myself. I didn’t want to get too involved. I didn’t want to be on the losing side if ever it ended. And so it ended before we could truly start anything. We could have been good together. Or we could have been a disaster. I guess I’ll never know.<br />
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But I’m hurting. For all my talk of not wanting to get hurt again, I still ended up here, soaked in pain and regret, my heart bleeding as I mourn the loss of someone I could have loved. Someone I have started to love. I’m sure I’ll heal from this. I’m sure I’ll eventually accept my mistake, and even learn from it. But for now, this is where I am. This is what I’ll have to bear.<br />
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Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-62284113760155508062019-01-31T06:09:00.002+08:002019-01-31T06:09:56.859+08:00NormalWhat do I write about when I’m not sad or in pain, but I’m not ecstatically happy either? What do I write about when I just am?<br />
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My life has been going really well these past couple of years. I can say that I’ve conquered my depression. I do still get swept under the occasional wave of hopelessness. But by now, I already know to just roll with it and remember that it won’t be long before I break through the surface and get that gasp of air. Then everything goes back to normal.<br />
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Normal. For so many years, that word had been so abstract to me. My life had always been a series of abrupt shifts between highs and lows - joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, love and hate. I didn’t really spend time in the between, and because of that, I never really had a grasp of “normal”.<br />
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But that’s where I am now. I’m in the between. I’m in the normal. I finally know how it is to just be. I think this is how it feels to be at peace. And I must admit, when I started feeling this way, I felt a little jealous of people who’ve felt like this their whole lives.<br />
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I think it’s the meds. I’m always on antidepressants now. Those little pills help clear the noise in my head, help me think straight, help me see pathways where there used to be just clutter. They even out the highs and the lows, keep my thoughts and moods within the normal zone.<br />
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I don’t really get “too sad” anymore. But I don’t get “too happy” anymore either. It’s as if life itself got dulled. I still laugh and I still cry. But I don’t feel the things that I used to feel. The meds shield me from the bad, but they also numb me from the good.<br />
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This is my normal. This is who I am now.<br />
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I’m not complaining. I’ve already felt more than enough emotions in the past. I’m content to just be in the normal right now. This is where I can keep my eyes on my dreams and not get distracted by the overwhelming colors of life. This is where I can become more. This is where I can move forward.<br />
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But I do miss it sometimes...feeling the intensity of life, letting myself get smothered in its embrace, feeling the warmth, the pain, the ecstasy. Maybe someday, I can get to be that guy again. Maybe someday, I can once again drench myself in pain, in sorrow, in regret. Maybe someday, I’ll experience again how it feels to be intoxicated with joy, love, passion, and all of life’s sweet flavors.<br />
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Maybe then, I can be strong enough to have that as my normal without being destroyed.<br />
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Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-89334549469698786852018-02-13T06:07:00.000+08:002018-02-13T06:07:37.285+08:00Writing Challenge: One More TimeIt started because I was bored at work and I decided to read some of my old blog posts. One of those was a post called <a href="http://nishiboy.blogspot.com/2011/05/writing-challenge-spirit-of-glass.html">Writing Challenge: Spirit of the Glass</a>. This was when, almost seven years ago, some fellow bloggers and I decided to all write horror-themed entries.<div>
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This got me feeling all nostalgic, and I decided to issue a call-out to my blogger friends in Twitter:</div>
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I didn't really expect that to get picked up, but to my pleasant surprise, several people were on board with the idea. I decided on a a general topic: <b>ONE MORE TIME</b>. The rest of the specifics, like format, theme, etc, were left to the participants to decide. </div>
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And your good old bloggers did not disappoint. Here are the entries:</div>
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<a href="http://citybuoy.blogspot.com/2018/01/on-how-we-went-to-bed-one-night-and.html">on how we went to bed one night and never shared a bed again</a> by citybuoy</div>
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<a href="http://red-isthenewblack.blogspot.com/2018/01/one-more-time.html">One More Time</a> by redthemod</div>
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<a href="https://akosiaris.blogspot.com/2018/01/club-havana.html">Club Havana</a> by Aris</div>
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<a href="http://journeyman07.blogspot.com/2018/01/pagkakataon_20.html">Pagkakataon</a> by Journey Man</div>
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<a href="https://thetruthinlife.blogspot.com/2018/01/ang-pag-uulit.html">Isang Tagpo ng Pag-Uulit</a> by Eternal Wanderer</div>
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<a href="http://ryan-secrets.blogspot.com/2018/01/one-more-time.html">One More Time</a> by RyanSecrets</div>
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<a href="http://shattershards.blogspot.com/2018/01/old-house.html">Old House</a> by ShatterShards</div>
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<a href="http://romeosinjourney.blogspot.com/2018/01/one-lasting-time.html">One Lasting Time</a> by john stan</div>
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<a href="http://whatamithinkingph.blogspot.com/2018/01/naghihintay-sayo.html">Naghihintay Sayo</a> by AMR</div>
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<a href="http://fixing-yas.blogspot.com/2018/01/ang-naghihintay-ay-umiibig.html">Ang naghihintay ay umiibig</a> by Yas</div>
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<a href="http://nishiboy.blogspot.com/2018/01/one-more-time.html">One More Time</a> by Nishiboy</div>
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<a href="http://lost-923.blogspot.com/2018/01/remember.html">Remember</a> by Atty. Mico</div>
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<a href="http://daybreakembers.blogspot.com/2018/01/sa-muli.html">Sa Muli</a> by Mugen</div>
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<a href="http://ablogadaykeepsthebathhouseaway.blogspot.sg/2018/01/say-my-name-say-my-name.html">Say My Name, Say My Name</a> by Carrie</div>
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<a href="http://morningaftergoodbyes.blogspot.com/2018/01/misteryo-ng-apat-four-some.html">Misteryo ng Apat (Four-some!)</a> by onlychild</div>
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<a href="http://justinthecloset.blogspot.com/2018/01/si-tropa.html">Si Tropa</a> by Mamon</div>
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<a href="http://alcoholicanonymous03.blogspot.com/2018/01/thank-you.html">THANK YOU</a> by Papa Tagay</div>
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<a href="http://mcvie14.blogspot.com/2018/01/one-more-time.html">One More Time</a> by McVie</div>
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<3</div>
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Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-53201210682915934922018-02-02T08:25:00.000+08:002018-02-02T08:25:36.078+08:00The Fate Of Our Love<div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-5e9d86c8-53ce-8422-9132-b5cdea62c7d9" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Three years. I’m a little surprised that it’s been that long since our relationship ended. Back then, I couldn’t even imagine a life without you. I was so sure that we were always going to be together. I held on until the very last strand of hope that we would get past the breakup and end up as a couple again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. I guess, I do still think of you sometimes. I still remember some of our happy days. Those memories are not as vivid as they were before, I’ll admit. A lot of it as faded away, and I’m pretty sure my brain has just filled up a lot of the spaces. But I can still remember how it felt to love you. I remember how seeing you made my heart skip beats. I remember how I felt whenever you said my name. I remember how you fit in my arms when we slept. Some of those memories are still with me. I don’t know until when, but for now, I still have them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">But I guess, with those memories, it’s inevitable that I also remember some of the pain, the feeling of being suffocated by the embrace of love and hate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">I know that I was a very difficult person to love. You had me when I was at my lowest. I was already broken when you found me, and the pieces crumbled further under your every touch. You did your best to love me, but I wasn’t ready. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">I did my best to love you. I loved you the only way I knew how. I loved you with everything I had. But I was stupid. I thought I knew everything, but I knew absolutely nothing..I ended up hurting you too many times, too much.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Will we become friends someday? I don’t know. I can’t be friends with someone I can’t trust. And I can’t trust someone who hurt me and left me in such an undignified manner. I may not have been the best lover, but Im sure I deserved better than that kind of breakup. I’m afraid I’m not one of those people who can just forget without forgiving. And no, you don’t have my forgiveness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">You don’t have my forgiveness, because you never asked for it. You never walked up to me, looked me in the eye, and said sorry for the way that you left me. But that's okay. At this point, neither one of us needs that anymore. We’ve both moved on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Hey, do you think things would have been different if we had met at a different time? I do. I can see things a lot more clearly now, and the more I think about our time together, the more I see that we had met too soon. I wish we had met when our hearts and minds were already at a better place. I wish we had met when I was more capable of loving you the way that you deserved to be loved. It always feels a little cruel to me, how fate led us to each other when I wasn’t ready.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">We deserved better. You deserved so much better.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">But that’s all just wishful thinking. What-if’s, what-could-have-been’s. This is the reality that we have now. We've parted ways, and we will continue on with our lives drifting further apart until we become all but strangers. </span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Such is our story. Such is the fate of our love.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span>Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-60363384398999912932018-01-22T19:27:00.000+08:002018-01-22T19:28:54.246+08:00One More Time<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why are you depressed?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’s the question I often get when people learn that I’m dealing with clinical depression. Should be simple enough to answer it, right? I mean, we’re used to the idea that there’s always a reason why people are sad. Something bad happens, then we get sad. The thing is, it’s not as straightforward for me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Looking back, I’ve always been the melancholic type. I think it started creeping into my system when I was in college. There were several days when I just didn’t have enough drive to get up and go to class. I would just stay on my bed and not move because it felt like there was no point in getting up. I even missed several exams this way.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My lowest point in college was when I got so addicted to online gaming. I spent almost all of my time, and definitely all of my money, on computer rentals. I got such a kick at being badass in my virtual life that I couldn’t care less about my real one. This went on for a couple of year and culminated with me failing all of my subjects one semester.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I did eventually manage to graduate, but my tendency to withdraw from life carried on. I became notorious as the guy who disappeared for days at a time without telling anyone. My first job kept me in spite of this because I was a high-performer and because my boss saw potential in me. However, I wasn’t as lucky in my next jobs. I got fired a couple of times because of this. In one of those jobs, I got the “Where’s Waldo” award during our Christmas party. You can guess what that was all about.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It wasn’t always clear to me why I did that. I’d just wake up one day and not be able to think of a good reason to get up. It’s not like I didn’t know what my responsibilities were and what the consequences would be if I neglected them. My mind was logically in-tact and I was able to see clearly what the end-game would be for the choice that I would be making. I don’t come from money so those consequences are a huge pain. I was fully aware, and yet it still wasn’t enough to make me get up and face the world outside my room’s door. I didn’t spend my time in anything particularly interesting, either. I just stayed in bed, sometimes played a video game or read random stuff in the internet, maybe ate something if I was hungry enough.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">During this time, I also went through a phase of heavy drinking and experimenting with different substances.I found that when I was intoxicated, I was able to break free from whatever it was that was holding me down. This will sound a bit dramatic and cliched, but I felt more alive whenever I was doing those things. Never mind that I was risking a lot, at least I had a chance to live and feel and be drenched in all the colors of life, even if it was only temporary.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Eventually, I did decide to “be more responsible”. That was back in 2014, which I declared to be my “commitment year”. I decided to stick to one job, one boyfriend, and do everything that a 27-year-old is expected to be mature enough to do. It was very tough for me, but I did whatever I could do to motivate myself. I must say, it went well for me. I was able to maintain a relationship that lasted for several months. I was able to start saving up. I went out and traveled with my boyfriend so that I could also be part of that whole “traveling-to-be-a-complete-person” movement. If you had seen me during those times, you would have said that I was at my best, my most responsible. And I probably was. For the first time, I was thinking long-term, and my life was going in a clear direction.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What people didn’t see, though, was that I was caving under all of the pressure that I had put on myself. From the chaotic, irresponsible boy that I had been, I was suddenly trying to be all manned-up and in-control. I was burning out from my job because I had tried to do much too soon. I was stressed out whenever I had to shell out money from my savings. And I was quick to be disappointed whenever something in my relationship didn’t go the way I wanted. But I kept at it, thinking that everything will be worth it in the end, that things will get better.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Only, they didn’t. My boyfriend broke up with me, the company that I was working for all but went bankrupt, I watched my savings burn down as I had no choice but to live off of them, and to top it all off, my estranged father whom I haven’t spoken to for years suddenly fell ill and passed away. This all happened within months.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That broke me. I was finally trying to get my life on track, I was doing everything right even if it was so hard for me, but it still wasn’t enough. In the end, everything still fell apart. If it had been difficult for me to find a reason to get up and face life before, it became downright impossible after that. I didn’t go to work for months. I just stayed at home all day, then went out drinking all night. I had trouble sleeping. My appetite was unpredictable. I was a total mess. I can’t tell you why I’m depressed. I can’t tell you when my depression started. But I can tell you that this was when I succumbed to it.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My road to recovery started when some friends told me that I should get help. The first time I talked to a psychiatrist, she watched me with a concerned face all through the one-and-a-half hours that I talked about the events that led me to her office. When I was done, she told me that I had all the signs of severe clinical depression, and that I’d been trying to fight it alone for far too long. I started going on meds, and therein started my long path to recovery.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of the biggest challenges about my depression was getting my mom to understand my situation. I had been very distant from her throughout the whole ordeal. This left her feeling inadequate. She felt helpless as she watched her son burn down from afar. That, and she was also still new to the idea of depression as a medical condition. She kept on telling me to get over it, to have a better disposition, to think of those who had “real” problems, etc. She meant well, of course, but it brought me down even more. It took a while for her to really start listening to me. And to her credit, when she did start to listen, she went a step further and did her own research.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My friends and relatives were surprisingly a lot more informed and open-minded than I’d expected. Many of them already knew someone else who had the condition. And for those who didn’t, many of them were receptive to the information that depression was not something that could be overcome with positive-thinking or a change in attitude. In turn, this made it a lot easier for me to accept that I was not just a bad person, or a lazy person, or an irresponsible person. It made it easier for me to accept the fact that I was sick, and the hope that I would get better.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But the road hasn’t been easy. During the first months of my recovery, I decided to stop taking my meds and just try to be more positive about life. Obviously, this didn’t work, and I ended up having to quit a job because I couldn’t handle the pressure, and I accepted that I needed the meds, at least until I got a lot better. I went back to excessive drinking a couple of times. There were also a few times when suicide crossed my mind because the thought of having to deal with this condition for the rest of my life was just too overwhelming. No,it hasn’t been easy. It has been a very long, very difficult road to recovery.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I’ve made it so far. I’m still here. And I’m better than I’ve ever been. I’ve found a job that I really enjoy and that I’m really good at. My mom and I are now closer than ever. I’m now more connected to my relatives. I have great friends who keep me going. But most of all, I’m really just happy that I’m still here, and I get to keep enjoying life with the people I love. I am lucky. I am so fucking lucky.</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’s not to say that I don’t have bouts of depression anymore. I still do. It’s still a constant struggle to rise up every day and face the world all over again. And I’ll admit, there are still days when the depression gets the better of me. But that’s okay. It’s gonna be a lifelong struggle, but I’m taking it one day at a time. One small victory at a time. There are those people who can work their way by looking at the distance, keeping their eyes set on that goal on the horizon. Then there are those of us who have to navigate through life one step at a time. We move forward by living one more day, winning one more battle, loving one more time. And for us, that’s enough.</span></div>
<div style="height: 0px;">
x</div>
<div style="height: 0px;">
x</div>
Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-112262543508611032016-10-24T01:45:00.003+08:002016-10-24T12:00:19.312+08:00Finding My Worth<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can’t remember the last time I looked at myself, or
thought about the different facets of who I was, without hating something about
it. In fact, now that I’m actually trying to think about it, I can’t remember ever
being completely comfortable and at peace with who I was. To help put that into
perspective, you should know that I am already turning thirty next month. That’s
a long time to spend not loving myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The reason why my self-worth has always been so fragile
is because I’ve always based it on what other people thought of me or on how I
thought they saw me. I got major confidence boosts when strangers complimented
me for my looks, or when guys who were generally considered within my circles
to be highly-eligible took an interest in me, or when people told me how smart they thought I
was from some conversation I had with them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I strived to get those compliments. I went to the gym to
be “hot”. I flirted with the cutest guys so that I could get more trophies. I did
my best to learn about the things that were popular in my circle so that I could
be seen as smart. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I wanted to be admired, to be desired, to be envied.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I must say, my efforts did pay off at some point. There was
a time when I had one of those “alter” accounts in twitter which talked
constantly about sex and posted pictures which hid my face and instead highlighted
other parts of my body. I accumulated followers and gained likes from
strangers. Of course, I also got propositioned several times.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I joined orgies and did drugs so that I could also
experience those things that the “hot guys” and “cool guys” experienced. It was
extremely gratifying to have five or six guys simultaneously getting a taste of
me, giving it everything they had just to pleasure me. I loved it when hot guys
left their orgy partners and focused on me instead. Then I’d gesture to those
who were left behind and entice them to join in the fray. They always did.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I loved it. I loved the attention. I loved the feeling of
being desired.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And while I was in this phase, I was also on the lookout
for the right boyfriend. I was always out at parties meeting new people and
trying to get the guy that everyone had their eye on. I even dated a few guys
whom I wasn’t particularly interested in for the simple reason that a lot of
guys wanted them. I didn’t have the quickest wit, I am actually generally
regarded as the “slow” one in my circles, but I used that to my advantage. I
realized that they found it extremely attractive when the good-looking guy they’ve dismissed as
stupid started to reveal a smart side.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Oh, I was a confident bastard.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But the problem with that kind of confidence is that it didn’t
take a lot to tear it down.<br />
<br />
All it took was for one of the hot guys to reject
me.<br />
<br />
Or for me to see
someone else who was doing better that I was.<br />
<br />
Or for them to not give me the kind of praise that I was expecting.<br />
<br />
Or for me to see my
body on a bad day.<br />
<br />
All it took was just one small seed of self-doubt, then it was back to the meat market for me, desperately
seeking another dose of validation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I hated myself every time that happened. I kept asking
myself, why was I still not good enough? What more did I have to do just to
prove to the world that I was worth it? What else should I do to show them that I was event better than them? What more did I have to do for the
world to stop seeing my flaws? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It took me a long time to realize that I’ve trapped
myself in that cycle. I lost some friends, let some really great guys slip
through my fingers, and missed out on a lot of chances for happiness because I was
too focused on measuring up to my perceived standards, and because I spent too
much time hating myself for failing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I am tired of hating myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I am trying to love myself more. I am trying to see the good,
beautiful person that I am. I am trying to believe in that person’s worth, a worth
that cannot be diminished by anything or anyone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Right now, I no longer have the body that body that got
me into so many strangers’ beds. I am single; I don’t have a hot guy to claim
as my trophy. My brain is not in its best shape as I’m still recovering from a
long battle with clinical depression. I just started a new job and I’ve just finished
paying off all my debts which, unfortunately, means that I am still broke.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I don’t have a lot of the flashy things I used to have. I
don’t have the things that I thought I needed to have in order to be worth as
much as the “great guys”.<br />
<br />
But I know now that I never really needed to have those things. I know now that it's okay to be flawed and still love myself. I know now that I am made up of so many amazing parts and that I only had to realize it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s not a bad thing to accept compliments. It’s not a
bad thing to feel good when other people appreciate that parts of me that they
think are great. It's not a bad thing to enjoy the feeling of being wanted. What’s bad is when that becomes the sole basis of how I love myself. What's bad is when it becomes my goal to be praised and when it's the only thing that can make me feel good about myself.<br />
<br />
I should stop judging myself through the eyes of the world. Sure, I still strive to be a healthier and better version of me. And someday, I might go back to being that good-looking, outgoing, smart guy, but I will not wait until then to love myself. I will appreciate
myself for the person that I am now simply because I’m already a great guy. I am already beautiful. I am
already worth it.</div>
Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-25198847126867007772016-07-01T14:52:00.000+08:002016-07-01T14:52:10.692+08:00Nishiboy Is (probably) Back<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s been a while since I last posted something
substantial here. Ironically, it’s not from a lack of things to write. A lot of
notable things have happened to me in the past year, I just don’t really know
how and where to start.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
2015 was an extremely challenging year for me. In bullet
points, these were the biggest things I had to deal with:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I went through a terrible breakup. It happened
just a couple of weeks before our supposed first anniversary<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I got physically, mentally and emotionally burned
out from work. Too many challenges but not enough rewards<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I became financially unstable due to some very
unfortunate circumstances at work.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My father, whom I had not spoken to for five
years, went into a coma and then died after two weeks<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I became clinically depressed. I spent a few
months just holed up at home, cut off from work, family and most of my friends<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But there were also a few small wins:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I wrote something and submitted it in an online
column and it was published. That was my first time to be published anywhere<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I finally got around to taking voice lessons;
something I’ve been wanting to do for years<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I had the courage this year to seek professional
help for my depression and was slowly able to overcome it<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Most of all, I can say with full confidence that those
ordeals have made me a better person than I was before any of it happened. I’m
still on the road back to recovering fully from my depression, and I’m still in
the process of getting my life back together, but the good thing is that I am
already on my way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And as part of that road to full recovery and full
getting-life-back-together, I might go back to blogging. I’ve always found
writing to be cathartic and helpful in putting my thoughts into perspective. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So stick around, folks. Nishiboy is (probably) back. <o:p></o:p></div>
Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-39151003669804721532015-10-02T03:39:00.000+08:002015-10-02T03:39:06.157+08:00YeAhFuck i fucking miss you. Fuck.Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-29998705809403308302015-03-30T22:24:00.000+08:002015-03-30T22:24:00.238+08:00Nishiboy Sings Half LifeYeah <br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe false="" frameborder="no" height="150" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/198404370&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=" width="100%"></iframe>
Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-46114195499668854162015-02-15T16:59:00.000+08:002015-02-15T16:59:01.347+08:00EVENT: Soiree for Singles this February for a CAUSE.<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3251" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3251" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div class="yiv0588944274MsoNormal" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3268" style="background-color: white; color: black; display: block; font-family: "Helvetica Neue","Segoe UI",Helvetica,Arial,"Lucida Grande",sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0.0001pt; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3270"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3269" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,sans-serif;">CHERRY POPPIN’: A Singles Soiree for a Cause</span></b><span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3251" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3260" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
WHAT: Cherry Poppin': A Soiree for Singles</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3321" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
WHEN: February 21, 2015 at 5pm onwards</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3261" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
WHERE: Rooftop area of West of Ayala Bldg., 252 Sen. Gil Puyat Avenue, Makati City</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPs9XAsDhEhvQvTyGv1vbgwOYgez8Wq_knDLE4Ij-prhZZCuaIoSnPSRQB5vUfb5U80Tq505JSEe7dPLjO2eTRF2rhBZ6vCXLNsepOmH3SCMf_4XwdmI6mVpj5uuhl2qJwg0KvL1lPDP4/s1600/Cherry+Poppin+POSTER+no+fb+logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPs9XAsDhEhvQvTyGv1vbgwOYgez8Wq_knDLE4Ij-prhZZCuaIoSnPSRQB5vUfb5U80Tq505JSEe7dPLjO2eTRF2rhBZ6vCXLNsepOmH3SCMf_4XwdmI6mVpj5uuhl2qJwg0KvL1lPDP4/s1600/Cherry+Poppin+POSTER+no+fb+logo.jpg" height="640" width="425" /></a></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3270"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3269" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3240" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Singles, like romantic couples, have as much to celebrate this February!</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3271" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Come and join the Loveyourself’s <b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3352">CHERRY POPPIN' Singles Soiree </b>on February 21, 2015 to<b> </b>meet and mingle with other strapping gay guys, share engaging dating stories</span><span style="color: #4a86e8; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">, </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">and dance to the hypnotic beats of Boys Can Trance.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3354" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">You also have a chance to snag a date at our luscious charity auction featuring sweet and sexy guys that just might be worthy of your cherry lips.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3301" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">But this post-Valentine poolside party is open to all - single guys and girls, couples, and all those fuzzy shades in between!</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3275" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Tickets are sold for only PhP250.00 inclusive of a free drink. Tickets are limited, so inquire now at 09063228873 or sign up at <u id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3274"><a href="http://go.loveyourself.ph/CherryTickets" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3273" rel="nofollow" style="background: transparent; color: #196ad4; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">http://go.loveyourself.ph/CherryTickets</a></u> before it’s party time. The event starts at 5:00 pm till midnight at the rooftop area of West of Ayala Bldg., 252 Sen. Gil Puyat Avenue, Makati City.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">***Ticket sales and auction proceeds will help raise funds for the benefit of </span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/" rel="nofollow" style="background: transparent; color: #196ad4; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">LoveYourself</span></i></a></span><i id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3366"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3365" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">, an advocacy dedicated to HIV testing and awareness.</span></i></div>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3280"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3279" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Casual Convos</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3282" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Looking for a post-Valentine’s pick me up? <b>CHERRY POPPIN’ Singles Soiree</b> kicks off with casual conversations on singlehood and dating. Chat the afternoon away in carefree café-style sessions on finding yourself, finding love, dating and courtship and being in a relationship. Know more about yourself and that cute guy across you!</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Date Auction</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3286" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Then the night heats up with a fun date auction. Get a chance to go out on a date with our featured hot guys. Take your pick from a handsome indie film actor, a sexy accountant, a hunky banker, a buff BPO guy, and a boy-next-door entrepreneur. These men will surely stimulate your mind and mesmerize your heart on a fancy dinner—just the two of you.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3289" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">We also have mystery auctions that will make your heart flutter when they are revealed and put up for bidding at the event itself.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423990463857_3292" style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Winning bidders will get an all-expense paid dinner date for 2 and a couple’s massage session. These are made possible with the help of our sponsors: Aesthetic Science, Bliss Pleasure Enhancing Lubricants, The Sanctuary, and The Pulse.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">Poolside Party</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;">Throughout the </span></span><b style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">CHERRY POPPIN’ Singles Soiree</b><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;">, the Boys Can Trance takes the temperature higher with sick beats and lively music. Feel free to dance with your gang, </span><span style="font-size: 15.3333330154419px;">new found</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;"> friends or that handsome stranger you’ve been eyeing.</span></span></div>
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See you!</div>
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Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-68238755476666211272015-01-20T17:36:00.000+08:002015-01-20T17:36:18.496+08:00Figuring Out The BalanceA friend of mine said that he can’t seem to find any decent guy. Everyone is just after him for sex, he said, and no one wants to date him. I asked him to tell me about the last time someone wanted him only for sex. Apparently, it started out with a Planet Romeo chat. They agreed to meet for sex. Somewhere in the meetup, they had a bit of small talk, and the guy seemed to be decent enough in that conversation. The problem was, after the guy left, the messages stopped and the invite for a follow-through never came.<br /><br />I pointed out to him that the initial contract was for sex. He himself only wanted sex to begin with. Sure, an “open for anything” clause was thrown in, but a second meetup, much less a date, was not something they agreed on. It wasn’t even something my friend expressed interest in. Because of this, it wouldn’t be accurate to label the guy as “not decent”.<br /><br />After I said that, he said that I was probably right, and that he probably did not deserve being taken seriously. He said that it was probably his karma, since there have been many times when he left others hanging. And then he said he was weak for letting it get to him.<br /><br />I don’t think it’s a weakness to hope for something more. As far-fetched as it sounds, it’s possible for long-term relationships to start from a hookup. There’s nothing wrong with liking someone you had sex with, especially if you had good sex and if, from the small talk, you found that you can also have good conversation. It is okay to hope, but we also have to be steady in how we handle it if it doesn’t develop the way we hoped it would.<br /><br />In situations like this, I think the tricky part is figuring out where we went wrong and where the other person went wrong. For instance, their mistake could be that they were unable to appreciate you or the potential of the connection you had. On the other hand, our mistake could be that we imposed our ideals on them and thus expected them to want the same things as us. Or even simpler, our mistake could be that we assumed they would like us in return. <br /><br />It would be so easy to blame it all on them and just say that they were not decent enough for a relationship. Likewise, it would also be easy to just blame ourselves and say that we deserved it. It would take incredible self-awareness to realize that line between what we can attribute to them and what we need to own up to. But I think it’s something that we need to do. This doesn’t just happen in the hookup stage, either. It can still be a hurdle for those who are years down the relationship road. <br /><br />If we place the entire fault on them, we would be denying ourselves the opportunity to learn and be better men. On the other hand, if we blame it all on ourselves, we will not have the confidence to feel worthy of being loved.<br /><br />I think this balance is something that we are all trying to achieve. I myself am all too familiar with this dilemma. That is why I’m writing this here in my blog. The next time I come to a situation like this, hopefully, this post can remind me to love myself and believe in myself enough to trust that I did something right, but also to be humble enough to recognize my mistakes. <br />Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-71131256636173895032014-11-21T00:36:00.001+08:002014-11-21T00:36:18.457+08:00I Won't Leave It To ChanceIf we walk away now, there's a chance that the time we spend apart will heal us, and we get back together ready to start over. But there's also a chance we'll forget about the good times and take the easy way out. And what we have, I'm not willing to leave it to chance.Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-34173377472974260062014-08-11T18:10:00.000+08:002014-08-11T18:10:27.785+08:00Nishiboy Sings Photograph<br />
This is me singing Photograph by Ed Sheeran. I was in the office early and no one else was there yet, so I decided to do this before doing my actual tasks.<br />
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I kinda liked how the first attempt sounded so I uploaded it, even though I missed a couple of words, and even though the morning traffic noise outside was a bit overwhelming in some parts.<br />
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<iframe frameborder="no" height="150" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/161743704&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=false" width="100%"></iframe>Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-65325379275376878292014-08-05T01:17:00.001+08:002014-08-05T01:17:48.055+08:00Until When?The great thing about dating a total catch is that you know that no matter how many guys are after him, he only has his eyes on you.<br />
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The scary thing about it is that you always keep wondering, until when will I be enough? Until when will he keep on choosing me when a lot of other guys are willing to take my place in a heartbeat?Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-12597928519320569582014-07-04T00:25:00.001+08:002014-07-04T07:41:42.052+08:00Passing ThroughWhen I was still a kid, around 5 or 6 years old, my mother used to take her masters every weekend in a city that was four hours away from our town. I remember waking up every Saturday dawn, seeing her packing her bags and getting ready to leave. Then I would cry my eyes out and beg her to not leave me, every single time. But she still left, of course, because she had to. Still, it did not make sense to my young mind, why she had to leave me when all I wanted was to spend my weekend with her.<br />
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You see, I come from a broken family, and being an only child, my mother was essentially all the family I had. Back then, all her explanations about her having to do it for our future did not make sense to me. All I saw was that I was getting left behind. To the young Nishiboy, that was his first recurring taste of what it was like to be left all alone.<br />
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Come high school, I got accepted into a school that was in the same city where my mother used to go every weekend. I had to live in a dormitory, away from home. There, I met friends who would become my family for the next four years. Kuya Noel, Ate Tres, Kuya Dale, Ate Ebony, Ate Ligaya, they became the big brothers and big sisters I never had. Then there were my batchmates, and then those who came after us. They were my family.<br />
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But of course, high school only lasts four years. I spent four years living under the pretense of a family that was my high school batch. The time I had was even less with those who were in other batches. With every graduation, the family that I had each had to leave to move on. And when it came to my turn, even though I didn’t want to leave anyone, I had to move on.<br />
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Come college, it was the same old story. I spent my days with friends whom I treated as family. I was living even farther away from home then, so I saw each of my friends as the people on whom I can lean. We saw one another at our worst, drank until dropping point at our best, and spent every single day and night together, dreaming of better times. We were together, until the day when we weren’t, when we all had to move on.<br />
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Living away from home since I was thirteen, I have grown used to people coming and going from my life. I never had a single fixed point to lean on. I’ve always had to fend for myself. Everyone was just passing through, and it was fine. It was something I had grown to live with.<br />
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Every once in while though, someone comes along with the promise of forever. When that person comes, I cling to them with every last ounce of strength, hoping that I have found someone who will finally stay with me for once, who will be there for me no matter what.<br />
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It’s not easy to get me to hold on to a promise. I’ve been disappointed many times already, and I’ve learned not to expect anything from anyone. But some people manage to break through my walls with their promises of forever.<br />
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But a time comes when one gets tired of holding on to empty promises. In the end, even those I love eventually leave me. No one ever holds on to me the way I hold on to them. While it’s so hard for me to let go of someone, while it comes naturally to me to choose the person I love over everything else, it never is the case when it comes to how they see me. It’s always so easy for them to let me go. And always so hard for them to choose me over everything else. <br />
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Which makes me wonder, is there really still a point in believing in promises of forever? Or am I just wasting my time, my energy, my heart, on hollow promises that will never be realized? Will I always be someone who’s easy to let go of? Always the one who has to make the effort to hold on?<br />
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I don’t know. <br />
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Well, actually, I think I do. It’s useless to believe in things. Life is harsh. Life is not a fairy tale. In the end, I will always have only myself to hold on to.<br />
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People ask me why I’m always out drinking, why I’m always out meeting new people. Well, it’s because my social life has become my entire life. And I’m always looking for someone who will stay, even just for a bit. Someone who will give me the illusion that they chose me over everything else, even just for a night. Someone who did not give me any promise of forever, but chose to be with me anyway. No one is willing to give up everyone else for me anyway, so why not go for someone who will choose me for just a fleeting moment, without making me believe in any hollow promise.<br />
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It hurts to be left alone. It hurts when the person you hope to choose you over everything else ends up choosing others. It hurts when someone leaves you simply because it's easy and convenient for them. It hurts when someone has happy memories of the days when they chose to leave you. It hurts when the person who is the first on your list has you in a measly second or third. And above all, it hurts when someone apologizes for it, promises you that you'll always be the first from now on, but ends up putting you at a measly second all over again anyway, caring about how other people will feel before caring about how you feel. <br />
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I hate getting left behind.<br />
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In the end, that’s all I’m worth. Maybe it's time I stopped caring about any of them.Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-76284319433775392362014-06-08T23:40:00.001+08:002014-06-08T23:48:08.614+08:00Nishiboy Sings I'll BeTo those who don't know, I'm somewhat of a singer too. Singing is one of the few things that I can say that I'm pretty good at.<br />
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Here's a recording of me jamming in Uno Bar in Greenfield. Boyps and I were drinking one on one and I cornered him into jamming with the band. Then he insisted that I sing something as well, so this happened.<br />
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Obviously, the guy cheering is le boyps.<br />
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<iframe frameborder="no" height="150" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/153097658&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_reposts=false&visual=false" width="100%"></iframe>
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(And yeah, this is a filler post. Will write something soon.)Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-89417663249440650442014-05-13T01:36:00.000+08:002014-05-13T01:36:15.706+08:00Seeing The Man He Sees In MeI have an amazing boyfriend. He is a graduate of the top university in the country. At 24 years old, he is already an intermediate-level consultant in a very big company, handling a business process of another big company. He sings really well, joined a band and a choir when he was still in college. Just recently, I learned that he also used to be a dancer. And as the cherry on top of that ridiculously icing-ed cake, he is breathtakingly handsome. He can literally get any guy he likes.<br /><br />I pale in comparison to him. I am also from a top university, but it took me six and a half years to finish my degree. I work in a startup company because it’s the only one that’s willing to accept me after I’ve ditched too many jobs. I used to sing in a choir too, but I have no experience in singing solo in front of an audience, and I can only dream of singing the notes that he hits as if he were just exhaling. I don’t dance at all, me dancing should be outlawed. And sure, I may be above-average when it comes to looks, but I can never hope to get the kind of guys that he does.<br /><br />He first told me that he loved me while we were downing bottles of beer. It was adorable how it just slipped out. We were talking about how amazed we were about each other when he suddenly blurted, “Kaya nga ako na-in love…” then looked at me like I’d just caught him stealing from the cookie jar. I laughed and started to prod, until he admitted that he had already started to fall in love with me. I felt so lucky that someone so amazing could possibly fall for me. And then I admitted that I’ve also started to fall in love with him.<br /><br />It was just too good to be true. He was perfect. And yet there he was saying that he was falling for little old me. We started out great. But things threatened to fall apart when I started demanding for more than he can give. I started comparing the parts of us that were investing in our relationship. I started to doubt his love for me.<br /><br />Looking back, I think the reason that our relationship sailed through those rough waters was because I just could not believe that someone like him can possibly fall in love with me. Behind all my self-worth speeches and my claims that I deserved more from him, deep inside, I didn’t think that I deserved him at all. That was why I was so desperate to look for proofs of his love, so I can have something to hold on to. And when he was unable to grant those things to me, I felt dejected and started to question his love.<br /><br />He did his best to show me that he loved me, and yet there I was, still unsure no matter what he did. In the end, he wasn’t the one that lacked love for me. I lacked love for myself. Whether or not he deserved someone like me, is not up to me to decide. It is up to him. And I should have believed it the moment he chose me out of all the guys he can get. <br /><br />I should have believed him when he told me that my voice had the texture he wishes he had, and that it’s amazing how I get lost in a song once I’ve started to sing. I should have believed him when he said that he can see that deep inside, I’m a guy determined to reach his goals no matter what, even when I myself couldn’t see it. I should have believed him when he told me that I write really well. I should have believed him when he said that I’ve had him ever since I caught his eye that night we met. And above it all, I should have just believed in his I love you’s ever since it slipped out that night we were together.<br /><br />I need to get myself together. I need to stop looking away from the man that he sees in me. Otherwise, this insecurity will be the big wall that will keep his love from reaching me. In the end, the only thing I ever needed to do to deserve his love was to love myself more. <br />Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-35723556277444572292014-02-03T21:17:00.001+08:002014-02-03T21:17:17.587+08:00Bakla Therefore Malandi<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;">Hanggang ngayon ba isinisisi pa din natin pagiging malandi natin sa pagiging bakla natin? </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;">Utang na loob, 2014 na.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;">Anong petsa pa natin aaminin na yung mga ginawa nating kalandian, yun ay dahil malandi tayo nun at ginusto nating gawin yun? Wala namang nasusulat na batas na kapag bakla ka, kelangan mong lumandi.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">Choice mo yun. Tangina naman eh.</span></span>Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-83074572390557398162014-01-07T23:51:00.001+08:002014-01-07T23:51:30.088+08:00I Will Write About Love No More<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This blog has seen me change my mind about love more times than I thought was humanly possible. I’ve gone from being hurt by love, to being hopelessly in love, to being cautious, to falling in love with someone I just met, to falling for more than one person at the same time, to not being in love, then back to being hurt, then to a dozen more links in my never-ending chain of highs and lows. Let me add one more to that long list: right now, I am giving up on love.</div>
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This ridiculous search for that rush of hormones has led me nowhere. I’ve experienced being hurt and hurting other people more times than I can handle. It’s a great feeling, being lifted up in the clouds, but the downward spiral when everything falls apart is not something I want to go through again. I’ve been peddling my heart and body for too long. I’ve been called names, and I’ve actually allowed myself to believe them, when the truth is, I just wanted desperately to find “the right one”.</div>
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Well fuck that. I’m tired of it all.</div>
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This time, I’m loving myself. This time, I’m going put my body on the line solely for the pleasure of it, and not because I’m looking for someone who’ll have me or because I want to take revenge on someone who hurt me. This time, I won’t care if someone calls me depraved or whatever label they decide to stick on me, because I know that I’m doing exactly what I want. Yes, this time I know exactly what I want. This time, I’m not letting anyone near my heart.</div>
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Love is unnecessary. Love is something I’m incapable of. I will write about love no more.</div>
Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-56434889487874288992013-12-15T16:49:00.000+08:002013-12-15T16:49:11.169+08:00Drunk Convos: InconsequentialAt last night's inuman:<br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Friend 1</b>: Man, Z is really cute</span>.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000;"><b>Nishi</b>: Yeah, I'm totally crushing on him too. That smile...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Friend 1</b>: And those eyes...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Friend 2</b>: He has a boyfriend though</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Friend 1</b>: So?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Friend 2</b>: So he's not on the menu</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Friend 1</b>: Nah, that doesn't follow.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;"><b>Nishi</b>: Yeah, boyfriends are inconsequential</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Friend 1</b>: Exactly.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Friend 2</b>: *laughs*</span><br />
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<br />Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-77397248717525770142013-08-27T15:40:00.000+08:002013-08-27T15:40:28.346+08:00Top 10: Strange Sex TalkI’m taking a break from all the emoness. It’s time to let loose and post something a bit more fun. Hehehe<br />
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We’ve all said and heard our share of strange interjections during sex. Caught in the moment, sometimes words just pop into our head and it just feels so right to let them out. Those words can further ignite the flames of passion and send you rolling in frenzy. But sometimes they’re just mood-killers, and you can’t help but pause and wonder, “What the fuck did I just hear?”<br />
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<b>Top Ten Strangest Things Said To Me During Sex</b><br />
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10.<br />
(With an ex, while he was getting ready to go down on me) Friendly sex lang to ha? Nothing more.<br />
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9.<br />
(Whispering in my ear while I was fucking him)Wag ka tumingin sa pinto. Nakasilip partner ko, nanonood. Tuloy mo lang.<br />
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8.<br />
Him: Fuck kita.<br />
Me: Ayoko.<br />
Him: Sige na.<br />
Me: Ayoko talaga.<br />
Him: Sige fuck mo ako.<br />
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7.<br />
(Was giving him a handjob when he suddenly flips over and starts humping my hand) Shit pare ang sarap kantutin ng kamay mo! Parang puke!<br />
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6.<br />
(In a motel room during foreplay) Baby, buksan natin yun pinto. Pag may nakakita pasalihin natin.<br />
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5.<br />
(Greyhound by Swedish House Mafia suddenly plays in the background) Tangina ganda ng music! Tara, suck kita habang sumasayaw ako.<br />
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4.<br />
Kantutin moko tol! Gawin mokong babae!<br />
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3.<br />
Him: Sampalin moko.<br />
Me: Ha?<br />
Him: Tangina mo sampalin moko!<br />
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2.<br />
(While I was taking a yosi break from a threesome) Nishi, pasok ka sa kwarto, patigasin mo si Eric. Gusto ko magpa-fuck sa kanya.<br />
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1.<br />
I love you! PUTANGINA PARE I LOVE YOU!!! Teka, okay lang ba sayong sinasabihan ng ‘I love you’?<br />
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Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-70273533945097717182013-08-19T18:27:00.000+08:002013-08-19T18:46:51.846+08:00The Love Yourself Project Is Recruiting!<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Love Yourself Project is looking for new talents to join us in our fight against the spread of HIV. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To sign up, <u><a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/p/i-want-to-help.html">CLICK HERE</a></u>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is the <a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/2013/08/loveyourself-impetus.html">POST</a> taken from our site:</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/p/i-want-to-help.html" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJJFS0Q42K_dK9nZWyjSojNW0iUfpEG8i_boxCBZgetllKLf93WNbmn2kokRQbtIHmqBYwW4JYWhXJhsCaILFx6gxv86QJzzmiP_hRRT-wngfnAbExmDOZWdlFd7nDXVelU8cQb8mN1mM/s400/Impetus+-+horse+study.jpg" width="400" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">GOT LOVE?</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So,
you know you’ve got <i>talent </i>and<i> mad skills</i>, but you
want to do more than just your 8-to-5. Maybe there are all these creative <i>ideas </i>that you've been dying to unleash. Or maybe you’ve just
got all this <i>love</i> inside of you that
you want to share, but you don’t know where, or how, or whom to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Find your impetus. </b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LoveYourself is always looking for committed volunteers who believe in our vision of a self-loving, healthy, and HIV/STI-free Philippines, and who </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">have the time, energy, and team spirit to make a difference in our community.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?</span></b></span></div>
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<b>COMMUNICATIONS</b><br />
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<b>Software engineers / programmers.</b> Technology is the tool that enables us to touch thousands of MSMs everywhere. And everyday, we're working on cutting-edge projects that can revolutionize the advocacy. If you’ve got IT chops, we want you! </blockquote>
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<b>Visual artists / graphic designers.</b> We make things look sexy. If you’ve got an eye for layouts and you rock at Photoshop, you’ll definitely want to join us. Get your best creative work out there and make a difference!</blockquote>
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<b>EVENTS MANAGEMENT</b><br />
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Events are our way of physically engaging and inviting people into our advocacy.<br />
No hard and fast skills required here: we just need fun and energetic people who enjoy conceptualizing and organizing events. It’d be neat if you’ve had experience leading in promotions, sponsorships, visual design, or logistics, but it’s no biggie if you don’t. Just be dynamic, personable, and cooperative (and hopefully able-bodied!), and we’ll take care of the rest.</blockquote>
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<b>RESEARCH AND EVALUATION</b><br />
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Research and evaluation is how we examine and improve the way we do things. </blockquote>
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<b>Writers and researchers.</b> Being part of the Research and Evaluation Board (REB) will give you the opportunity to directly shape the way we, as an organization, deliver to the thousands of MSMs who seek our services. You will also have the chance to lead in discovering and articulating the things about our clients that we need to know to help us reach and serve them better.</blockquote>
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<b> COUNSELING & EDUCATION</b><br />
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Counseling and Education is at the heart of what we do. </blockquote>
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If you didn’t exactly see yourself in the previous three, but you believe you have the empathy, open-mindedness, and people skills to show our community some real love, then be trained to be an <b>HIV counselor and educator</b>, directly contributing to the organization's key objective: HIV awareness, education, counseling and testing</blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">GET TO KNOW US BETTER</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Discover what we do (along with other cool, important stuff about us) <u><a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/p/about-us.html" target="_blank"><b>here</b></a></u>.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">WHY IMPETUS?</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An "impetus" is</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <i>something that incites</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">—</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i> a stimulus</i>. If you've read this far, you've probably been looking for an impetus yourself: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a cause that has meaning, </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a space for your ideas to play, a community where you belong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LoveYourself offers an opportun</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ity to be part of a worthwhile movement, where volunteers unite their diverse talents behind the purpose of promoting HIV awareness, counseling and education. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s no secret that we're growing— with </span><a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/2013/05/happy-approach-to-hiv-awareness-results.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><u>more and more people starting to love themselves</u></b></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, w</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">e’re </span><a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/2013/06/LoveYourselfAnglo.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank"><b><u>putting up a new community center</u></b></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> to meet the skyrocketing demand fo</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">r our HIV testing and counseling services. As we scale up to take on the country’s burgeoning HIV epidemic, we need an army of Lovers—our name for committed, talented people like yourself—who find meaning in what we do, and can help us make a difference.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>READY TO FIND YOUR IMPETUS?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sign
up to volunteer on our website: </span><a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/p/i-want-to-help.html"><span style="background: white; color: windowtext; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><b><u>go.LoveYourself.ph/volunteer</u></b></span></a><span style="background: white; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. Our next batch of volunteers will be invited to the <b>Orientation event on August 31, 2013</b> (we recommend you block of this date as early as now).</span></span></div>
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Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-90219951970786285652013-08-15T16:55:00.000+08:002013-08-15T20:36:24.095+08:00Worth The RiskHey E.<br />
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We’ve been dating for a while now. Was it on our third month when I told you that I’ve already fallen in love with you? Well, I didn’t really “fall in love” with you, it was more that I chose to love you. My heart has been wounded too many times already for it to just fall for someone. I’ve long dismissed the fairy-tales and rainbows kind of love. I’ve decided to see love as a decision. Feelings change and even fade; they make a weak foundation to build love on. A decision, on the other hand, will hold for as long as you choose to stick to it.<br />
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And so it was that I chose to keep my eyes only on you. I decided not to date anyone else. I reserved my weekends for you, spent my nights in your place, I was always there when you wanted me by your side. Those were things I chose to do because I have already decided to love you.<br />
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But after all my talk about not being capable of falling in love, of not wanting to fall in love, I still found myself falling for you.<br />
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The things that I used to choose to do, I started doing because I was already incapable of doing otherwise. I could no longer let a day pass without me telling you that I loved you. I found it hard to sleep without you in my arms.<br />
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I was sure that you were the one I wanted to be with. Sadly, you could never seem to bring yourself to be sure about me.<br />
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I know that you want to be with me. I can feel it from the way you take care of me and the way that you keep on holding on to me somehow. But you have always held me at an arm’s length, just close enough to be within reach, but still at a distance. You keep asking all these questions; questions that no matter how hard I tried to answer, you are always still unconvinced.<br />
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I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on choosing to love you. To be honest, I have started seeing someone else. He and I have only gone out a few times, but I can’t help but feel that the likelihood of him giving me a chance is more than I should hope for from you. You and I have been together much longer, but honestly, where we are now doesn’t feel that far from where we started. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep lingering in that place. I can't keep trying to prove my worth.<br />
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I know you’re worth the wait. You really are. But I also think that I am worth the risk, what we have is worth the risk. I just wish you could see that too.<br />
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Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-81090544860560326862013-05-23T13:50:00.000+08:002013-05-23T13:50:03.943+08:00BETTER TOGETHER: Mass Yoga for the 30th AIDS Candlelight MemorialGuys, if you're free this Sunday, perhaps you'd like to do Yoga for a cause. I've never done Yoga before, but I'll try it out this time, in support of our friends who are living with HIV.<br />
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Among the instructors will be Donna Esteban, David Esteban and Rebecca de Villa. Some of us, lovers, from <a href="http://www.loveyourself.ph/2013/05/better-together-in-celebration-of-30th.html">The Love Yourself Project</a> will also be there to support the activity.<br />
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Let's meditate and help out the PLHIV community together.<br />
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Here's the post from <a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/132966396893941/?directed_target_id=0">Yoga For Life's Facebook event</a>:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">We are celebrating the 30th International AIDS Candlelight Memorial once more with a mass public yoga practice followed by a short Kirtan and candle lighting ceremony.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Calling the event, "Better Together", we aim to bring solidarity within the HIV advocacy community and also reinforce the beauty and transformative power of our yoga practice in helping groups and individuals affected by HIV and AIDS.</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: inline; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />See you on May 26 (Sunday), 4pm, at the Charito Planas Gardens in Quezon Memorial Circle.<br /><br />Registration Fee is Php 150. Proceeds will help support Yoga For Life's advocacy towards assisting more people affected by HIV/AIDS.</span></span><br />
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<br />Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233165690458431458.post-55100416560416889722013-05-21T16:44:00.001+08:002013-05-21T16:44:12.477+08:00Pinoy Gay Blog List Update<style type="text/css">
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Hello, loves.</div>
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I've updated the <a href="http://nishiboy.blogspot.com/p/pinoy-gay-blog-list.html">Pinoy Gay Blog List</a>.<br />
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Inactive blogs have been removed. And there are new additions to the list.</div>
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If you want you blog to be added, just leave a comment with your URL. It's that easy. =) </div>
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Also, if you know gay bloggers, you can invite them to comment. Let's spread the word! =)<br />
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Here are the latest additions to the list:</div>
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<span class="title"><a href="http://www.kissmymike.com/" target="blank">Kiss My Mike</a></span><br />
<span class="desc">A blog with a Gaysian flavor.</span><br />
<span class="by">by: </span><span class="author">Mike</span><br />
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<span class="title"><a href="http://karuggallery.wordpress.com/" target="blank">The Karug Gallery</a></span><br />
<span class="desc">The Philippines' first and only Gay Blog that exclusively features Hot Men with Sexy Happy Trail!</span><br />
<span class="by">by: </span><span class="author">Olga Luxuria</span><br />
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<span class="title"><a href="http://fabulousjv.blogspot.com/" target="blank">Fabulous JV</a></span><br />
<span class="desc">A Fabulous Queen Who Wants To Wear McQueen</span><br />
<span class="by">by: </span><span class="author">FabulousJV</span><br />
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<span class="title"><a href="http://kwentongmalilibog.blogspot.com/" target="blank">Kuwentong Malilibog</a></span><br />
<span class="desc">m2m site and everything in between</span><br />
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<span class="title"><a href="http://cutedessertboy.blogspot.com/" target="blank">Desert Boy</a></span><br />
<span class="desc">Ang Estranghero sa Gitnang Silangan</span><br />
<span class="by">by: </span>Cute Desert Boy<br />
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<span class="title"><a href="http://wafungpinoy.blogspot.com/" target="blank">Piktiyur Op Da Dey</a></span><br />
<span class="desc">Ang mga litratong nakakalat</span><br />
<span class="by">by: </span><span class="author">Cute Desert Boy</span><br />
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<span class="title"><a href="http://pinoypositive101.blogspot.com/" target="blank">Blogging Positively</a></span><br />
<span class="desc"> This is an advocacy blog which contains my personal journey in living with HIV, and news and updates regarding the disease. It also includes lists of hospitals and clinics where HIV testing is given free.</span><br />
<span class="by">by: </span><span class="author">pinoypositive</span><br />
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<br />Nishihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01403570553004423943noreply@blogger.com1