A Rant About My Mother

I got a bit short on finances a few days ago and I needed a pretty big amount to survive the next couple of weeks. The money I needed was not something I can loan from friends without the risk of enslavement, so I had to pick what seemed to be a less destructive alternative: I borrowed money from my mom.

She agreed to loan me the money I needed and I promised to pay her back as soon as I got my final pay from my previous company. Everything was going fine and our text messages to each other were very polite. But the problem came when we were trying to agree on how to send the money.

See, I only have an account in one bank, and that bank doesn’t have a branch in my hometown. Sending the money through those pawnshops’ money-sending services was out of the question since they cost too much. My mom suggested sending it to my aunt but going to her place will be too much hassle for me.

We were running out of options, so I turned to my friends. Fortunately, I had a former office mate who had an account in one of the three banks that did have branches in our town. His name was Bryan. I sent his account details to my mom and told her to deposit the money into his account instead.

That was when her texts started to change.

First she asked me who Bryan was, where I met him and how long I have known him. I answered all her questions: Bryan was a former officemate whom I’ve known since college.

Her next question was on why I suddenly decided to use his account. Of course, it was because we were running out of options.

Then she started berating me on why I didn’t have an account in one of the banks that we had in our town. Well, that was because the bank I chose was the most convenient for me.

She had plenty of other questions and she suggested plenty of other impractical alternatives. Finally, I asked her why she won’t just send the money to Bryan like I suggested.

Her answer:

“Nag-aalangan akong magpadala ng pera dun. Hindi ko mapigilang mag-isip ng kung anu-ano.”
(I don’t feel comfortable sending it to that person. I can’t help but wonder why you want to use his account.)

Ah, so that’s why. My mom knew that I was gay. And she thought Bryan was a guy I was spending money on. Back in college, she thought I was spending my money on drugs. Now, she thinks I’m spending it on men.

I just lost it from that point on.

Me:
Ma, wag na nga lang. Sa iba na lang ako uutang. Iniisip mo na namang gumagastos ako sa lalaki dahil bading ako. Nakakainsulto na.
(Never mind, I’ll just borrow from someone else. You think that because I’m gay, I spend all my money on men. I’m offended that you think that.)

Her:
Wag ka naman magalit. Dapat nga maawa ka sa akin dahil sobrang affected ako.
(Instead of getting mad, you should feel sorry for me because I’m affected by all of this.)

Me:
Eh sa akin, hindi ka naawa? Noon mo pa ako iniinsulto sa tuwing pinagdududahan mo ako.
(What about me? You’ve been thinking that way about me for a long time. You’ve been insulting me for a long time.)

Her:
Sige anak, hindi mo na ata kailangan ang mga advice ko. Hindi na ako magpaparamdam sayo kahit kelan.
(Okay, it seems you don’t need me anymore. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you from now on.)

Me:
Ganyan ka naman palagi eh. Pag nangangatwiran ako, hinahamon mo ako na magkalimutan na lang.
(You always do that. You threaten to not speak to me ever again whenever I try to tell my side.)

Her:
Sana mamatay na lang ako para hindi ko na to pinagdadaanan. Ayoko ng ganitong buhay, yung palaging nag-iisip.
(I don’t want this kind of life, where I always have to wonder. I wish I would just die.)

Me:
Ganyan ka din palagi. Magbabanta kang magpakamatay imbes na pakinggan ako.
(You always do that too. You threaten to kill yourself instead of just listening.)


That was followed by more texts that were just as melodramatic. We both thought we were misunderstood and we both wanted to make the other one see things the way we saw them. A lot of people tell me that I should just try to understand her. I tried. I really did. I’ve been patiently trying to understand her for the past five years but it’s been useless. She still thinks my life is a waste just because I happened to be gay. It’s time that I stopped. I can’t spend the rest of my life giving way to her.

In the end, she still sent the money to Bryan’s account, but it didn’t lessen the stress I felt. I hate arguing with my mother and that was the worst one we had over text. My heart was beat up from her harsh words and my fingers hurt from angry typing.

And I couldn’t even turn to my boyfriend for comfort because he was still busy dealing with his own issues far away from me. I had to text my ex for emotional support. Yes, I was that pathetic.

It was just too much stress for one day. I just had to do something to take as least some of the stress off. When I met Bryan that night, I asked him if I could use his credit card. I ended up buying this:

I think I should have just borrowed money from him in the first place.