The Day I Stopped Believing

The sun looked beautiful as it strained to touch the horizon. The warmth of its last rays was slowly being overpowered by the cool wind of the approaching night. I looked at the sun directly as the ship pulled away from the harbour.

A sunset seemed to be a perfect punctuation to my life. I had just recently come to accept that I was gay. I just ended my relationship with the first guy I entrusted my heart to, a “relationship” that lasted two weeks. The semester had just ended with me failing every subject. And now, I’m on my way to the province where I will spend the next semester at home, with my mother probably spending the next six months trying to fix me.

My life was falling apart.

Everyone was telling me that things will work themselves out. Things will get better; I just have to pray. I just have to talk to God and rekindle the fire that once burned so fiercely in my heart, and that fire will purge the darkness that has consumed me.

I gazed at the sun, now halfway hidden, breathed in the salty air and closed my eyes.

God, I used to be so in love with you. I surrendered my every day to you. You were my master and my friend. And I was happy.

I don’t blame you for what happened to me. No, not at all. Every single one of my problems is of my own doing. So is every single thing that I have accomplished.  They were not brought by your hands but by mine. I understand that now.

Tonight, I will rest. I will sleep and forget about everything. Then tomorrow, when I wake up, I will start to take back the life that I had surrendered. Tomorrow, I will decide on how I will live my life.

Your people claim to be driven by love, yet I have only seen judgement and hate cloaked as what they call “love”. The love that they believe in has rules. The “God” they believe in is not a god of love but a god of endless vanity. If a god really exists, he will not be like the one they believe in.

This will be my last prayer. This is the last time I give in to the tradition that I grew up to. With everything that I going on in my life, it is very tempting to put my fate in someone else’s hands. But I won’t. I will get through this without believing in anyone but myself, my family and my friends. They are all that I need.

But just in case you do exist, then reach out to me. Show me that you really are a god of love. They say that you will leave the rest of your flock to look for one lost sheep. If that is true then come and find me. I am right here.

I opened my eyes and wiped the tears that had fallen from them. The sun had already left. The sky was now filled with the thousand stars conquering the darkness. I looked up and wept as I marvelled at their beauty.