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Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Day I Stopped Believing

The sun looked beautiful as it strained to touch the horizon. The warmth of its last rays was slowly being overpowered by the cool wind of the approaching night. I looked at the sun directly as the ship pulled away from the harbour.

A sunset seemed to be a perfect punctuation to my life. I had just recently come to accept that I was gay. I just ended my relationship with the first guy I entrusted my heart to, a “relationship” that lasted two weeks. The semester had just ended with me failing every subject. And now, I’m on my way to the province where I will spend the next semester at home, with my mother probably spending the next six months trying to fix me.

My life was falling apart.

Everyone was telling me that things will work themselves out. Things will get better; I just have to pray. I just have to talk to God and rekindle the fire that once burned so fiercely in my heart, and that fire will purge the darkness that has consumed me.

I gazed at the sun, now halfway hidden, breathed in the salty air and closed my eyes.


God, I used to be so in love with you. I surrendered my every day to you. You were my master and my friend. And I was happy.

I don’t blame you for what happened to me. No, not at all. Every single one of my problems is of my own doing. So is every single thing that I have accomplished.  They were not brought by your hands but by mine. I understand that now.

Tonight, I will rest. I will sleep and forget about everything. Then tomorrow, when I wake up, I will start to take back the life that I had surrendered. Tomorrow, I will decide on how I will live my life.

Your people claim to be driven by love, yet I have only seen judgement and hate cloaked as what they call “love”. The love that they believe in has rules. The “God” they believe in is not a god of love but a god of endless vanity. If a god really exists, he will not be like the one they believe in.

This will be my last prayer. This is the last time I give in to the tradition that I grew up to. With everything that I going on in my life, it is very tempting to put my fate in someone else’s hands. But I won’t. I will get through this without believing in anyone but myself, my family and my friends. They are all that I need.

But just in case you do exist, then reach out to me. Show me that you really are a god of love. They say that you will leave the rest of your flock to look for one lost sheep. If that is true then come and find me. I am right here.


I opened my eyes and wiped the tears that had fallen from them. The sun had already left. The sky was now filled with the thousand stars conquering the darkness. I looked up and wept as I marvelled at their beauty.

23 comments:

  1. Whatever you are going through, Jason, remember that this, too, shall pass. :)

    Hugs from Ronnie

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  2. Jason.... *hugs* Na-sad naman ako that u stopped believing... I just hope that one day you'll realize that he is there... He has been there the whole time watching you... But I dont want to interfere.

    I dont wanna act as if I know everything. I dont wanna sound righteous either. Pero hindi ako supportive when u stopped believing... Maraming reasons to keep believing. I hope I dint impose much... hahaha!

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  3. wow nice post... it's my 1st time on your blog :)
    everything's gonna be alright din in the end. I know medyo gasgas na ata sa'yo 'to and maybe a million has been telling you this but... still. it's gonna get better. you just have to help yourself, and love yourself more. pamper and appreciate yourself. also take this moment as an opportunity to improve yourself and to get to know yourself better...
    good luck on everything :)

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  4. huyyy... minsan talaga may pagdadaaanan tayo na madilim. but then everything is a test, and you can't pass the test without taking it.

    test, trust at may isa pang T hindi ko maalala.

    di kita pipilitin baguhin desisyon mo, pero mas magiging mabuti pa rin kung pag-iisipan mo. Baka kailangan mo lang ng hingahan.. lugar na pwede ka mag-isip... ayun...

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  5. cliche as it may sound, but yes, things will be better. just believe

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  6. no matter how hard the day had been,

    the sunset, it always always give me the strength to look forward to another sunrise....

    smile Jason... at flip lang ng hair.

    chot!

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  7. While I do not condemn people who choose to believe in a supposed higher being, I still stay firm in my belief that prayers do nothing except make believers feel better by giving them an imaginary sense of being listened to by someone beyond their understanding. I think it's messed up.

    Whatever you are going through, I hope you feel better soon. Us, homosexuals are meant to radiate with fabulousness so you don't have much to worry about. :)

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  8. I believe in a God that understands me Nishi. One who doesn't care that I fantasize about other men and not bikini-clad women. One who would want me to meet that one-of-a-kind man and wishes me to be happy with him. I believe that he exists. Why? I just do. Maybe that's just to comfort myself. Maybe he really is just a figment of my imagination. I don't care if I can't give out my reasons. Its just that I do believe.

    Lilipas din ito. Oo. Pati ito. Wehe. Malabo man tingnan ngayon, ngunit gaya ng dati mong mga napagdaanan, lilingunin mo rin ang oras na ito't sasabihing "haha, di naman pala ako dapat nagpaka emo ng ganun ka lala." Hahahaha

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  9. this actually happened a about five or six years ago, back when i was still in college. i stopped believing in a god ever since that day. i just don't have any need or reason to believe.

    so yeah, this "phase" has gone on for five or six years. and i'm ok. if you ask me if i'm "really happy" right now, i'd tell you that i'm just as happy now as i was back when i believed.

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  10. ang galing galing naman niya magsulat... hope everything is ok with you...

    masyado ka emo lately a!tinatalo mo drama ko sa buhay LOL!

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  11. this is a phase - i think we are all susceptible to disbelief especially when the world suddenly comes crashing down. and i think too that in order to truly create a personal relationship with God - we have to de-construct all notions of God and just let whatever existence God has, to freely flow into our consciousness.

    this question of existence - this makes us human.

    PS: Sa elbi, ang tawag namin dito ng mga kaibigan ko ay Kevin Lomax Stage, this happens right after Culture Shock Stage. And it all happens on our freshman year. Hehehe.

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  12. I can relate to this post so much. I always feel that religion is simply a means for people to feel happy about themselves. And I always believe that it is impractical to rely on faith when it comes to believing to a higher being. There.

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  13. I do not remember the exact words but Eli Ang Barroso, in "A Nobel Prize for Jorge Luis Borges," wrote that the problem with this world is that there are too many priests but there is very little religion, or god, if at all there is one.

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  14. Aw. Ang galing. :)

    Sana tumigil ka na sa pagpunas ng mga luha. At ngumiti ka na. :D

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  15. ahhhh okay! ayan nabasa ko na. sad sad tsk. dati ganyan din ako, darkness falls across the land, at alam mo kung sang part ng buhay ko yun. but nah..a friend kept telling me that things will be alright. lagi ko yun tanong..why lord? pero lagi ako sinasagot ng friend ko na yun...everything will be alright. wait, kaw ba tinatanong ko? anyway, yun..hanggang sa matutunan kong sabihin sa sarili ko, things will be alright. kulit noh?
    pero naniniwala pa rin ako sa prayer, kasi pag wala ako makausap at kailangan ko ng kausap...me instant akong makakausap, di ba? at pag me kinatatakutan ako at kailangan ko ng karamay, me matatakbuhan ako. at pag feel ko may mumu sa likod, may makakapitan.

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  16. you are in a phase and you'll be over that in no time. you will meet someone better and more deserving :)

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  17. never give up! go thru the process and be a better person :D

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  18. ika nga ni natalie merchant, life is sweet in spite of the misery

    enjoy bohol!

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  19. as a concerned christian, do not stop believing, kahit hindi pa magbunga ang puno ng santol, wag kang magsasawa maniwala.

    answered naman prayer mo. the act of praying itself gives you comfort. ^_^

    fr your avid reader,
    rowell

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  20. "Rekindle the fire that once burned so fiercely in my heart, and that fire will purge the darkness that has consumed me"

    I am in love this line...
    So much so I have added it to my "list" of quotes.
    I am captivated by the way you describe your pain and your hope to get thru it.

    It's something I think we can all relate to.

    Goodluck

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  21. "And now, I’m on my way to the province where I will spend the next semester at home, with my mother probably spending the next six months trying to fix me."

    This line hit me.. You just knowing that your mom will be there to fix you...

    This is really nice

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