Friday, November 21, 2014

I Won't Leave It To Chance

If we walk away now, there's a chance that the time we spend apart will heal us, and we get back together ready to start over. But there's also a chance we'll forget about the good times and take the easy way out. And what we have, I'm not willing to leave it to chance.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Nishiboy Sings Photograph

This is me singing Photograph by Ed Sheeran. I was in the office early and no one else was there yet, so I decided to do this before doing my actual tasks.

I kinda liked how the first attempt sounded so I uploaded it, even though I missed a couple of words, and even though the morning traffic noise outside was a bit overwhelming in some parts.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Until When?

The great thing about dating a total catch is that you know that no matter how many guys are after him, he only has his eyes on you.

The scary thing about it is that you always keep wondering, until when will I be enough? Until when will he keep on choosing me when a lot of other guys are willing to take my place in a heartbeat?

Friday, July 4, 2014

Passing Through

When I was still a kid, around 5 or 6 years old, my mother used to take her masters every weekend in a city that was four hours away from our town. I remember waking up every Saturday dawn, seeing her packing her bags and getting ready to leave. Then I would cry my eyes out and beg her to not leave me, every single time. But she still left, of course, because she had to. Still, it did not make sense to my young mind, why she had to leave me when all I wanted was to spend my weekend with her.

You see, I come from a broken family, and being an only child, my mother was essentially all the family I had. Back then, all her explanations about her having to do it for our future did not make sense to me. All I saw was that I was getting left behind. To the young Nishiboy, that was his first recurring taste of what it was like to be left all alone.

Come high school, I got accepted into a school that was in the same city where my mother used to go every weekend. I had to live in a dormitory, away from home. There, I met friends who would become my family for the next four years. Kuya Noel, Ate Tres, Kuya Dale, Ate Ebony, Ate Ligaya, they became the big brothers and big sisters I never had. Then there were my batchmates, and then those who came after us. They were my family.

But of course, high school only lasts four years. I spent four years living under the pretense of a family that was my high school batch. The time I had was even less with those who were in other batches. With every graduation, the family that I had each had to leave to move on. And when it came to my turn, even though I didn’t want to leave anyone, I had to move on.

Come college, it was the same old story. I spent my days with friends whom I treated as family. I was living even farther away from home then, so I saw each of my friends as the people on whom I can lean. We saw one another at our worst, drank until dropping point at our best, and spent every single day and night together, dreaming of better times. We were together, until the day when we weren’t, when we all had to move on.

Living away from home since I was thirteen, I have grown used to people coming and going from my life. I never had a single fixed point to lean on. I’ve always had to fend for myself. Everyone was just passing through, and it was fine. It was something I had grown to live with.

Every once in while though, someone comes along with the promise of forever. When that person comes,  I cling to them with every last ounce of strength, hoping that I have found someone who will finally stay with me for once, who will be there for me no matter what.

It’s not easy to get me to hold on to a promise. I’ve been disappointed many times already, and I’ve learned not to expect anything from anyone. But some people manage to break through my walls with their promises of forever.

But a time comes when one gets tired of holding on to empty promises. In the end, even those I love eventually leave me. No one ever holds on to me the way I hold on to them. While it’s so hard for me to let go of someone, while it comes naturally to me to choose the person I love over everything else, it never is the case when it comes to how they see me. It’s always so easy for them to let me go. And always so hard for them to choose me over everything else.

Which makes me wonder, is there really still a point in believing in promises of forever? Or am I just wasting my time, my energy, my heart, on hollow promises that will never be realized? Will I always be someone who’s easy to let go of? Always the one who has to make the effort to hold on?

I don’t know.

Well, actually, I think I do. It’s useless to believe in things. Life is harsh. Life is not a fairy tale. In the end, I will always have only myself to hold on to.

People ask me why I’m always out drinking, why I’m always out meeting new people. Well, it’s because my social life has become my entire life. And I’m always looking for someone who will stay, even just for a bit. Someone who will give me the illusion that they chose me over everything else, even just for a night. Someone who did not give me any promise of forever, but chose to be with me anyway. No one is willing to give up everyone else for me anyway, so why not go for someone who will choose me for just a fleeting moment, without making me believe in any hollow promise.

It hurts to be left alone. It hurts when the person you hope to choose you over everything else ends up choosing others. It hurts when someone leaves you simply because it's easy and convenient for them. It hurts when someone has happy memories of the days when they chose to leave you. It hurts when the person who is the first on your list has you in a measly second or third. And above all, it hurts when someone apologizes for it, promises you that you'll always be the first from now on, but ends up putting you at a measly second all over again anyway, caring about how other people will feel before caring about how you feel.

I hate getting left behind.

In the end, that’s all I’m worth. Maybe it's time I stopped caring about any of them.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Nishiboy Sings I'll Be

To those who don't know, I'm somewhat of a singer too. Singing is one of the few things that I can say that I'm pretty good at.

Here's a recording of me jamming in Uno Bar in Greenfield. Boyps and I were drinking one on one and I cornered him into jamming with the band. Then he insisted that I sing something as well, so this happened.

Obviously, the guy cheering is le boyps.

(And yeah, this is a filler post. Will write something soon.)

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Seeing The Man He Sees In Me

I have an amazing boyfriend. He is a graduate of the top university in the country. At 24 years old, he is already an intermediate-level consultant in a very big company, handling a business process of another big company. He sings really well, joined a band and a choir when he was still in college. Just recently, I learned that he also used to be a dancer. And as the cherry on top of that ridiculously icing-ed cake, he is breathtakingly handsome. He can literally get any guy he likes.

I pale in comparison to him. I am also from a top university, but it took me six and a half years to finish my degree. I work in a startup company because it’s the only one that’s willing to accept me after I’ve ditched too many jobs. I used to sing in a choir too, but I have no experience in singing solo in front of an audience, and I can only dream of singing the notes that he hits as if he were just exhaling. I don’t dance at all, me dancing should be outlawed. And sure, I may be above-average when it comes to looks, but I can never hope to get the kind of guys that he does.

He first told me that he loved me while we were downing bottles of beer. It was adorable how it just slipped out. We were talking about how amazed we were about each other when he suddenly blurted, “Kaya nga ako na-in love…” then looked at me like I’d just caught him stealing from the cookie jar. I laughed and started to prod, until he admitted that he had already started to fall in love with me. I felt so lucky that someone so amazing could possibly fall for me. And then I admitted that I’ve also started to fall in love with him.

It was just too good to be true. He was perfect. And yet there he was saying that he was falling for little old me. We started out great. But things threatened to fall apart when I started demanding for more than he can give. I started comparing the parts of us that were investing in our relationship. I started to doubt his love for me.

Looking back, I think the reason that our relationship sailed through those rough waters was because I just could not believe that someone like him can possibly fall in love with me. Behind all my self-worth speeches and my claims that I deserved more from him, deep inside, I didn’t think that I deserved him at all. That was why I was so desperate to look for proofs of his love, so I can have something to hold on to. And when he was unable to grant those things to me, I felt dejected and started to question his love.

He did his best to show me that he loved me, and yet there I was, still unsure no matter what he did. In the end, he wasn’t the one that lacked love for me. I lacked love for myself. Whether or not he deserved someone like me, is not up to me to decide. It is up to him. And I should have believed it the moment he chose me out of all the guys he can get.

I should have believed him when he told me that my voice had the texture he wishes he had, and that it’s amazing how I get lost in a song once I’ve started to sing. I should have believed him when he said that he can see that deep inside, I’m a guy determined to reach his goals no matter what, even when I myself couldn’t see it. I should have believed him when he told me that I write really well. I should have believed him when he said that I’ve had him ever since I caught his eye that night we met. And above it all, I should have just believed in his I love you’s ever since it slipped out that night we were together.

I need to get myself together. I need to stop looking away from the man that he sees in me. Otherwise, this insecurity will be the big wall that will keep his love from reaching me. In the end, the only thing I ever needed to do to deserve his love was to love myself more.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Bakla Therefore Malandi

Hanggang ngayon ba isinisisi pa din natin pagiging malandi natin sa pagiging bakla natin? 

Utang na loob, 2014 na.

Anong petsa pa natin aaminin na yung mga ginawa nating kalandian, yun ay dahil malandi tayo nun at ginusto nating gawin yun? Wala namang nasusulat na batas na kapag bakla ka, kelangan mong lumandi.

Choice mo yun. Tangina naman eh.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I Will Write About Love No More

This blog has seen me change my mind about love more times than I thought was humanly possible. I’ve gone from being hurt by love, to being hopelessly in love, to being cautious, to falling in love with someone I just met, to falling for more than one person at the same time, to not being in love, then back to being hurt, then to a dozen more links in my never-ending chain of highs and lows. Let me add one more to that long list: right now, I am giving up on love.

This ridiculous search for that rush of hormones has led me nowhere. I’ve experienced being hurt and hurting other people more times than I can handle. It’s a great feeling, being lifted up in the clouds, but the downward spiral when everything falls apart is not something I want to go through again. I’ve been peddling my heart and body for too long. I’ve been called names, and I’ve actually allowed myself to believe them, when the truth is, I just wanted desperately to find “the right one”.

Well fuck that. I’m tired of it all.

This time, I’m loving myself. This time, I’m going put my body on the line solely for the pleasure of it, and not because I’m looking for someone who’ll have me or because I want to take revenge on someone who hurt me. This time, I won’t care if someone calls me depraved or whatever label they decide to stick on me, because I know that I’m doing exactly what I want. Yes, this time I know exactly what I want. This time, I’m not letting anyone near my heart.

Love is unnecessary. Love is something I’m incapable of. I will write about love no more.