Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Seeing The Man He Sees In Me

I have an amazing boyfriend. He is a graduate of the top university in the country. At 24 years old, he is already an intermediate-level consultant in a very big company, handling a business process of another big company. He sings really well, joined a band and a choir when he was still in college. Just recently, I learned that he also used to be a dancer. And as the cherry on top of that ridiculously icing-ed cake, he is breathtakingly handsome. He can literally get any guy he likes.

I pale in comparison to him. I am also from a top university, but it took me six and a half years to finish my degree. I work in a startup company because it’s the only one that’s willing to accept me after I’ve ditched too many jobs. I used to sing in a choir too, but I have no experience in singing solo in front of an audience, and I can only dream of singing the notes that he hits as if he were just exhaling. I don’t dance at all, me dancing should be outlawed. And sure, I may be above-average when it comes to looks, but I can never hope to get the kind of guys that he does.

He first told me that he loved me while we were downing bottles of beer. It was adorable how it just slipped out. We were talking about how amazed we were about each other when he suddenly blurted, “Kaya nga ako na-in love…” then looked at me like I’d just caught him stealing from the cookie jar. I laughed and started to prod, until he admitted that he had already started to fall in love with me. I felt so lucky that someone so amazing could possibly fall for me. And then I admitted that I’ve also started to fall in love with him.

It was just too good to be true. He was perfect. And yet there he was saying that he was falling for little old me. We started out great. But things threatened to fall apart when I started demanding for more than he can give. I started comparing the parts of us that were investing in our relationship. I started to doubt his love for me.

Looking back, I think the reason that our relationship sailed through those rough waters was because I just could not believe that someone like him can possibly fall in love with me. Behind all my self-worth speeches and my claims that I deserved more from him, deep inside, I didn’t think that I deserved him at all. That was why I was so desperate to look for proofs of his love, so I can have something to hold on to. And when he was unable to grant those things to me, I felt dejected and started to question his love.

He did his best to show me that he loved me, and yet there I was, still unsure no matter what he did. In the end, he wasn’t the one that lacked love for me. I lacked love for myself. Whether or not he deserved someone like me, is not up to me to decide. It is up to him. And I should have believed it the moment he chose me out of all the guys he can get.

I should have believed him when he told me that my voice had the texture he wishes he had, and that it’s amazing how I get lost in a song once I’ve started to sing. I should have believed him when he said that he can see that deep inside, I’m a guy determined to reach his goals no matter what, even when I myself couldn’t see it. I should have believed him when he told me that I write really well. I should have believed him when he said that I’ve had him ever since I caught his eye that night we met. And above it all, I should have just believed in his I love you’s ever since it slipped out that night we were together.

I need to get myself together. I need to stop looking away from the man that he sees in me. Otherwise, this insecurity will be the big wall that will keep his love from reaching me. In the end, the only thing I ever needed to do to deserve his love was to love myself more.