This blog has seen me change my mind about love more times than I thought was humanly possible. I’ve gone from being hurt by love, to being hopelessly in love, to being cautious, to falling in love with someone I just met, to falling for more than one person at the same time, to not being in love, then back to being hurt, then to a dozen more links in my never-ending chain of highs and lows. Let me add one more to that long list: right now, I am giving up on love.
This ridiculous search for that rush of hormones has led me nowhere. I’ve experienced being hurt and hurting other people more times than I can handle. It’s a great feeling, being lifted up in the clouds, but the downward spiral when everything falls apart is not something I want to go through again. I’ve been peddling my heart and body for too long. I’ve been called names, and I’ve actually allowed myself to believe them, when the truth is, I just wanted desperately to find “the right one”.
Well fuck that. I’m tired of it all.
This time, I’m loving myself. This time, I’m going put my body on the line solely for the pleasure of it, and not because I’m looking for someone who’ll have me or because I want to take revenge on someone who hurt me. This time, I won’t care if someone calls me depraved or whatever label they decide to stick on me, because I know that I’m doing exactly what I want. Yes, this time I know exactly what I want. This time, I’m not letting anyone near my heart.
Love is unnecessary. Love is something I’m incapable of. I will write about love no more.