We were in the terrace of my apartment that evening. The only strands of light that touched us came from the streetlights in the distance. I was leaning against the wall, further hidden from what little light there was. He was sitting on a chair in front of me, his face buried in his hands. I took a puff from my cigarette and spoke to him.
“Are you okay?”
He looked up at me, his eyes filled with sadness. Then he stood up and hugged me. I put my arms around him and hugged him back. We stayed that way for a while until he pulled halfway back and looked at me. Then he started to lean in.
I pushed him back.
He looked at me, looking slightly surprised at what I did. “Why? I thought you told me that you wanted this.”
I took a deep breath, summoned every ounce of self-control I had and looked away. “Yes, I want to kiss you, but not tonight and not like this.”
“It’s just a kiss,” he whispered, moving back in until his face was inches mine. “Please, I need it. Besides, I never got to first base with you.”
I looked back at him. The sadness in his eyes had left. He had an unfamiliar grin in his face and his eyes now burned with something I’ve never seen in them before. My own eyes were held captive by his gaze.
“These are pent up feelings you have for your ex and right now you’re just channelling them to me,” I answered. “I’ve done that before and it doesn’t help at all.”
“You’re making me beg. Don’t.” he said. He leaned towards me again.
This time, I didn’t stop him. We kissed. It was tentative and I pulled back after a few seconds.
“I told you it wouldn’t help,” I said, controlling my voice to hide how I was already intoxicated by the taste of his lips.
“Yes, it did,” he answered. Then he pulled me back in. “Let’s try that again.”
I surrendered and leaned forward. The kiss was deep and passionate this time. I held his face and I felt his hands moving up my back.
I pulled back. “Let’s stop this. I’m starting to get turned on,” I laughed awkwardly while trying to use my hands to hide what my boxers couldn’t.
He grinned again. Then he reached down and pushed my hand aside
He chuckled and pushed me down on the chair. Then he pulled another chair and sat in front of me. He looked around, surveying the place. “Do you think they can see us?” he asked, nodding towards our neighbor’s window. I shrugged and pushed my shorts down.
And he went down on me.
“Let’s just keep this between the two of us, okay?” he said when we were done. “I’m still not sure if I want him and me to break up, so I want to save it if I can.”
I felt a stab in my heart. “Of course.”
“Thanks,” he smiled.
“But you have to stop coming to me about him,” I said. “Because right now, I feel like shit.”
“Okay. I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
“I’m sorry. I know you need someone right now and I promised you that you can always count on me, but I can’t be that guy anymore. Not with you. I like you too much already.”
I closed my eyes and sighed.