Saturday, May 21, 2011

Nishiboy Is Dating A Closeted Guy

I met John through one of my instructors from college. My instructor gave him my facebook, he viewed my profile and sent me a message. We met in a mall a few days after that. I guess you can call that a date since we had dinner and we talked about random stuff. He wasn’t really my type. He was five inches shorter than me, a bit too masculine for my taste and two thirds of our conversation was just me talking. But we clicked. The chemistry was definitely there. The night ended with us agreeing to meet again, which we did a couple of days later. It was obvious that we liked each other and the circumstances were promising.

There was just one small glitch: he’s not out.

This is my first time to date a closeted guy. Whenever we go out, I have to be careful to stay far enough from him to not arouse suspicion from other people. I don’t really think anyone would notice if I put my arm around his shoulder or if I bump my arm against his while walking around the mall, but he seems to think so. He gets a little awkward whenever I get too close, which is a little difficult since I like getting close.

When we went out on our second date, I suggested that we watch a movie and hang out in a mall near my place, but he said that since it was my rest day, he’d rather we spend the day in my apartment so I could rest. I agreed. He told me later that he actually just felt awkward walking in a crowded place with a guy. He said he didn’t want to be judged.

But the awkwardness in public is not the biggest issue, it’s that we graduated from the same course in the same university and we’re only a couple of batches apart, which means that our worlds have large overlapping portions. I was already out when I was in college. I’m a member of an LGBT organization. I had a boyfriend and we never denied our relationship. I wasn’t a popular kid back then but there were enough people who knew about me for word to spread if ever any of them got wind of me and John.

Just take my team at work, for instance. Most of my teammates are also from the same university. I showed his picture to my boss accidentally and she recognized him. He freaked out when I told him about it. I had to calm him down. I apologized and promised to tell my boss not to tell anyone about him.

We thought of visiting our university together. We wanted to spend a weekend there or something because that’s our common ground. It’s a place where we can both really loosen up and be comfortable in, but we can’t go there without risking exposing him because his friends might see us and they might recognize me. There are also only two major gimik areas near our campus. One is frequented by a sorority in which I have many friends, and the other is owned by an ex-date’s friend and is the favorite hang-out of his crowd. If any of them sees me with a guy, they’ll know that the guy is my date.

It shouldn’t be an issue, I know. We could still be together even if I’m out of the closet and he’s still in. It’s just that I’ve been out for a few years already, but right now, I feel like I’m being dragged back in. That’s my problem, I suppose, and not his. I’m going to deal with it. I know things will get better. We’ve only been dating for a few weeks, after all. We’re both just still adjusting, and this is harder for him than it is for me.

And I think what really matters is that I like him. I really, really like him, enough to give this thing we have a shot. These past few weeks have been really great because of him. He’s doing his best, too. On one of our recent dates, I told him that I wanted to introduce him to a couple of my friends. He said okay. I asked him if he was nervous.

His reply:

“A bit. But I know I have to come out little by little if I want to be with you.”

That’s good enough for me.


  1. wow, lahat ng nakadate ko puro closet din. Siguro preference ko lang din.

    Atleast sya nagtatake ng risk at pumayag na ipakilala sya sa mga friends mo, unlike sa isang nakilala ko na ayaw ako iadd sa personal fb nya knowing na 3 months na kami magkakilala.

    1. tara meet nga tayo. hehehe 09165435466

  2. putangina kinilig ako. ahihihihi

  3. When I was younger, I was a huge fan of the show Six Feet Under. One of the characters was a gay guy dating a closeted gay guy.

    In the series, the gay guy who was out told his date that he understands him, where he is coming from but that he cannot go back.

    So he will wait.

    Like you Jap, I prefer dating men who are out; who are comfortable with who they are. Dating has a lot to do with lifestyles; and if they're too different they may create conflicts in the future.

    Nevertheless, I wish you well on your quest for love. =)


  4. I wouldn't appreciate a guy who wouldn't want to stay close especially on the first date. ayaw ko ung feeling na "haunted", may umaaligid na parang di mo talaga kasama. Di naman kailangan akbayan or PDA, pero iacknowledge lang na magkasama wouldn't be that bad.

    His reply is more than enough. :)

    Do you frequent Maginhawa st?

  5. Ang hirap naman mag-tiptoe sa ganyan. Sana magkaroon siya ng lakas ng loob na mag-out. Good luck!

  6. It's too early in the relationship to be stressing yourself over differences in lifestyle. Truth is, a large bulk of making a relationship work precludes compromise, and in a way celebrating your differences as much as you do the things you have in common.

    There are no formulas, you gauge and evaluate the fit as you go along. Good that there is chemistry from the onset, but take things in stride.

    On another note, tiga-Mandaluyong ka din pala.

  7. @Victor: Er, I don't think I know where that is.

    @red: dito ako sa manda nagtatrabaho. pero nakatira ako sa poor side ng makati. c5 area.

  8. Baliktad tayo. I work at the posher side of Makati, whilst staying at the fringes of Mandaluyong.

  9. eh di turuan mo kung pano lumabas ng closet paunti-unti. "this way, this way. watch your step now. closer. there there."

  10. kinilig ako dun.. well tamang timing lang.. masasanay din sya.. alam naman nyang andian ka for him

  11. mema comment lang. you kinda look like seulong on a good day :)

  12. best wishes ... I miss ELBI =)