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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Not Built For Casual

“Kung naging payat ako, ang landi-landi ko siguro.”

I remember saying that when I was still very overweight. That’s “very overweight” as opposed to just “overweight”, which is my current state. It was during my second year in college and I was rationalizing why it was so difficult for me to trim down. I said God probably knew that I would sleep around if I had the looks and the body for it. Yes, I still believed in a god back then.

I had friends who seemed to change their boyfriends faster than the moon changed phases. They’d come to me and gush about a guy they met in a chatroom or bus or party who was sooo cute and sooo charming. Then, after a few days, I learn that they’re already dating and that they couldn’t be happier. But it’s not long before they come back and tell me that things didn’t go well with the guy and that they broke up, but it’s okay because they met another guy in another bus or another party.

I usually told those friends of mine that they would never find happiness if they kept throwing themselves at every guy they met. I told them that they were throwing away their dignity and putting their hearts and bodies at risk. You know, standard stuff one says to someone who he thinks is whoring around. I never convinced any one of them, though. It’s probably because I didn’t entirely believe what I said either. It’s because behind every shake of my head and every word of disapproval I threw at them, the truth was I envied them.

I was never the good-looking boy. My weight was several pounds above normal, I wore glasses that left scratch scars on the sides of my puffy face, I wore clothes that were two sizes too big and I had the temper of a rabid dog. I was a fat nerd. At that time, the only sexual encounters I’ve had were those three times I groped and blew sleeping straight guys, which is just plain pathetic when compared to my friends’ exploits.

I wanted to experience those things that my friend told me in their stories. Locking eyes with someone in the street and ending up in his place doing him and his three roommates, hooking up with an almost-famous actor you met in a networking site, riding a bus and seeing the guy beside you flash you his number while his girlfriend slept on his shoulder: I wanted those too. To hell with morals, I wanted to get laid, but my looks were my greatest impediment. In a world where love was often referred to as a trade and everyone was assigned a market value, someone like me always got left in the outskirts.

Then something happened. I lost a big chunk of my weight (though not on purpose), my friends started teaching me how to not dress like a nerd and I started to gain some self-confidence. It was like an accidental makeover that spanned months. I started to slowly move towards the center. And true enough, I used those newly-gained cards to explore. I got my own taste at express relationships: two weeks with my first boyfriend, then two months with my second, whom I actually wasn’t attracted to and was just my mean-time guy. I started catching up on those stories that my friends told me.

But then something else happened that cut my exploits short: I met a great guy who I fell hard for and who liked me back. Yes, I’m talking about THE ex. I stopped fooling around and settled down with him.

Being in that relationship was great. I experienced love beyond everything I hoped it to be. But the thing was, after a couple of years, I started wondering if I had given up my freedom too early. And yes, part of that was because of my “adventure phase” getting cut short. After a couple of years, I started to cheat.

I went to cruising hotspots. I locked eyes with random strangers in the street. I let the guy with the gym bag feel me up in the train. I flashed my number at the guy next to me in the queue for movie tickets. And every single one of those led to one kneeling in front of the other. It had been years since those days that I called my friends “whores”, and I was already the one whoring around. It felt great. There’s nothing like seeing a guy (or more) kneeling front of you, worshipping at least one part of you, to boost your ego.

But the fun didn’t last long. After a while, I started to feel weighed down, with each tryst adding more and more weight. It just didn’t feel right anymore. Sure, the sex was still great, but once the fluids have been expelled and the pants and gasps have subsided, all that’s left is a sinking feeling. I remember going home from a threesome once and saying to my friend “What am I doing with my life?” I joked that I wanted to go home, turn on the shower and scrub my body while crying, much like rape victims in movies. It was just a joke, but I actually did it when I got home, minus the crying part.

Then my boyfriend and I broke up because of the cheating. I was free. I could finally go and play to my heart’s content without feeling any guilt. But when I tried going back to those cruise spots, I ended up leaving whenever someone started staring at me. I tried locking eyes with strangers again, but I always ended up looking away. I tried going out with guys whom I knew I could date with no strings attached, but it was me who quit in the end. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

It was the casualness of casual sex and casual dating that drew me into the whole idea of it. It’s dynamic, it’s exciting. And it seemed to be a good source of ego boost, knowing that there was more than just one guy who would want me as a partner in sex or in a relationship. The best part was the lack of pressure to me. In the end, though, it was also the casualness that I couldn’t handle. I thought it was liberating, but it was actually more restricting for me. Some people use it to steer clear of the commitment that comes when they nurture their connections with others. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just that I realized that my heart was not built for that.

I want connections and I want them to persist when we leave the room, or wherever it is that we have sex. I want to actually know more than a guy’s name before I get naked with him. I want to date guys who are at least open to the idea of going into a relationship. Sure, I want sex and I want dates, but my heart wasn’t built with the requisite armor for doing them casually. I thought I wanted to live the lives that my friends took, but it turned out that I couldn’t even handle it. I dipped one foot in and retreated when I felt the cold. In the end, I just wasn’t built for it.

34 comments:

  1. whoa! we are on the same page.

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  2. Agree!

    i don't want to do it coz i hate the feeling after "it". Feeling ko ang pokpok ko. pokpok na nasarapan at handang humanap ng susunod na sarap. hahaha

    pero kidding aside, ayaw ko talaga. siguro kasi nakaranas na ako gaano kasarap ang "doing it with some sense of love" kaya ayoko nang balikan ung dating "casual"

    oh well, experiences change people.

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  3. As the famous philosopher Heraclitus once said, "You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you." I thank you. Good evening, Las Vegas!

    wala lang, gusto ko lang maging genius-kuno. choz!

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  4. I had the same feeling and wrote about it

    http://cubao-ilalim.blogspot.com/2011/01/always-one-less-face-to-smile-at.html

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  5. @vhinong: i think madami ngang ganito yung naiisip.

    @chefjayps: ako dati gusto ko talaga. as in gusto ko. lol. pero di pala bagay sa akin yung ganun. nauubos ako eh.

    @nox: haha. tara malate na lang! =P

    @seth: oo nga. astig. kakabasa ko lang.

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  6. I've said (too often), that I wish I were like those guys who only had low expectations (i.e. sleep around) because not only do they know what they want, they get what they want, and are happy.

    But that is not the life I know I want. I imagine after the first two or three times, I'd start to enjoy it, but further down the road, I'd feel even worse off than when I started.

    So good for you for coming to terms with it. The next step won't be a walk in the park, but at least you know the direction you're headed. All the best. :)

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  7. The policy is rather simple when I was in your shoes.

    Express lust in any possible way you could, but disappear when the tryst is over.

    Surrender.

    The very moment someone gives even the faintest sign that he wants to settle for good.

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  8. Making eye contacts in public? freaky lang kasi lately ko lang na-experience 'to hahaha.

    Hay bakita ba ganitesh ang nangyayari sa atin haha. :p

    Hoy bet ko mag-Malate! Join me! hahaha

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  9. ay ako din jayson. not built for casual. i tried it once? twice? out of curiosity i guess pero siguro hindi ko nauulitin.

    much better if you will make love with somebody na kilalang kilala mo talaga at may feelings ka sa tao na yun.

    buti ka pa natry mo yung magflash ng mga numbers sa mga keme. gustuhin ko man yan pero wala akong lakas ng loob. i told you, i hate and scary kasi ang rejections. nakakahiya pa. :P

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  10. your not for the casual, dahil pang haute couter ka! walk walk fashion baby! :)

    its true though, the coldness... you feel it every time and sometimes showering doesn't help kasi it leaves stains especially in the memory...

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  11. @papa jay: exactly. i don't have the guts or the heart for it.

    @mugen: ah, kaya ko nasabing narerestrict ako lalo. kasi ang tendency ko pala eh gustuhing makilala lalo yung tao. kaya kelangan ko pa tuloy magpigil.

    @ronnie: next month pa ako ulit makakapagmalate. pero, mag puerto galera kami ng housemate ko sa sat. murang mura lang, 800 lang yung room. overnight. text me kung gusto mo sumama. seryoso.

    @jepoy: haha. konting beses ko lang naman yun ginawa. at may rejections pa talaga akong dinanas dun sa konting yun. lol.

    @kaloy: weh? kala mo talaga about fashion to noh? haha. yeah, di ko pala kaya.

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  12. lust is lust for me...it's just a matter of knowing where u stand and controlling what you feel. just know what you want so when you get it, may panalo ka...hehehhe

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  13. that's the thing. i don't know where to draw the line. so it's better if i just stay away.

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  14. i have to work on this "casual" thing. i have to learn to recognize it. been left hanging far too often.

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  15. Jason, kailangan talaga nating magkita!
    Hay naku, kung dyan lang ako nakatira. Ewan ko ba, but I really feel you.

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  16. this is beautiful, nishi. you finally got that out of your system. hihihihi.

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  17. Recently, I too thought I could handle casual relationships. I was wrong. Love this post!

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  18. "Kung naging babae ako, siguro pinagbubuntis ko na ang panglima kong anak sa pangapat na gwapong lalaking naligaw sa harapan ng bahay namin..."


    yan ang sinabi ko sa sarili ko noong...

    hmm...

    buti nalang talaga lalaki ako :D(tenk yu LORD!!) teehee :D

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  19. What Am I doing with my life...sounds family Nishiboy >.<

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  20. A confession. I use casual sex to boost my bruised ego.
    .
    .
    I get the guy hotter than the one I like to show the world that despite the rejection, I'm still f*cking hot and beautiful. Bwahaha!
    .
    .
    You do what you think is right Jap =)

    wv: diall -- dial a friend or dial a hook-up? chos!! haha (oo na ang perky ko today..hihi)

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  21. omigosh! You took the words out of my mouth. Almost all of it! Great post!

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  22. "In a world where love was often referred to as a trade and everyone was assigned a market value, someone like me always got left in the outskirts."

    Grabe, you're improving so much na talaga Nish.

    Anyway. No comment. I would say "I understand" but know at the back of my mind that I really don't. Suffice to say that I will heed the moral of this post. Hehe.

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  23. Parang ang version ko lang ng kwentong toh eh nung may crush na iba yung kaibigan ko kase may bf siya.. tas naiinis ako sa kanya, pero nung ako na nagka-bf.. dame ko din crush.. feeling ko tuloy ako si strawberry short cake! Hahaha..

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  24. @rising mark: tanungin mo siya. i think that's the only way you can be sure.

    @rowell: basta pag andito ka na, sabihan mo lang ako. =)

    @spiral: haha. yeah.

    @ela: it's a good thing na sinubukan natin. at least now we know for sure.

    @exa: promiscuity is not exclusive to us homosexuals. madaming paraang magpakaputa kung gugustuhin.

    @mr use: haha. it should. =P

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  25. @db: in love ka ba? haha.

    @iurico: love na lang kasi noh? wag na lang lust. haha. puso na lang ang whore, wag katawan.

    @hayme: it could work differently for you, though. so try mo din.

    @kamila: lol. bad girl!

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  26. Nishi, hehe.

    "I dipped one foot in and retreated when I felt the cold."

    Sounds to me like you took a full dive and swam in the sea before retreating. I'm just teasing you. Hahaha.

    Wasn't it just a few months ago when you talked about some of your random encounters in your previous blog? And how... exciting it was and how giddy you were.

    Some say how we feel about random casual sex CAN actually change at different points in our lives, depending on our current need for intimacy, or how our views about sex evolves.

    So the winds have shifted. Let us not be too surprised... if it shifts back.

    =)
    Kane

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  27. haha!

    you're probably talking about THIS.

    you're right. i keep forgetting that everything changes. lalo na ang isip ko. haha.

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  28. thoughts dawned on me while reading this.. i felt guilty and i was caught off guard.

    now i just can't help myself thinking if i, too, was not made for the casual deeds.

    thanks for making me realize several things with this post. :)

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  29. don't take it seriously. nagkaka second thoughts na din ako dito after what kane and another friend told me.

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  30. All novelties wear off. Congratulations on your... epiphany. :)

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  31. this will probably be good for a few months. lol.

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  32. I love this post... have you been reading my diary??? It's hard being casual when your heart is yearning for more. I have been down the "slutty" path myself and like you have since withdrawn... I don't regret any of it. I believe it's something one needs to explore in order to reach that understanding. I've always had more repect for those who have lived "in sin" but made the choice to come out the the other side. Those without sin have never trurly lived.

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  33. Another post that's really worth the read... Super love it Nishi... Gosh!

    It made me realize that I am too self-righteous... Ang bilis ko mag-judge... I flirt a lot... Staring, groping.... I like the tease... But I am always unwilling to go all the way... HAHAHA!!!

    Sobrang cautious ko lang siguro... Baka hindi na healthy to... =)

    Love the post Jason.... =)

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  34. I used to have that kind of mindset too. "Kung ___ lang siguro ako ang landi-landi ko."

    I like the way you write, by the way. Found your blog via Erick Garcia. :)

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