Monday, April 18, 2011

If I Die Tonight,

will you remember me... the blogger who opened up his heart and poured out his rawest emotions or as the blogger who just didn’t know when to stop? the amazing online avatar you admired so much or as the weak and flawed person he turned out to be? a guy who gave you a chance or as a guy who led you on? your best friend who always stayed at your side or as the jerk who was only there to take advantage of your kindess? your cousin who was intelligent enough to get into good schools or as the stupid cousin who took six years to graduate from college? the teammate who still did his best to perform even when his life was falling to pieces or as the teammate who allowed his personal life to interfere with his work? the guy who tried to understand the things that you loved or as the guy who just didn’t get any of them? someone who took the risk to date you or as someone who didn’t risk enough to be yours? the boy you shared your best years with or as the boy you wasted your best years on? the brightest boy in the family or as the son who still fell short of your expectations?

I always thought that people will remember only good things about you after you die, but the unexpected death of a cousin proved me wrong. There were a few mentions of how she was a good person and how she will be terribly missed, but most of the people in the family gave more weight on how her life was a waste. Sure, she made plenty of bad choices and her life fell apart. I’m not saying that we should just overlook that part. I just wish they could also look back on how she did her best to pick up the pieces and put everything back together. She did her very best. It’s heartbreaking that it was that part that they chose to leave in the back of their minds.

I wish people would give more credit to effort. And that they remember us for the good people we tried to be, even if we didn’t quite make it.


  1. I'm sorry for your loss Nish.

    I agree with your sentiments.
    I admire someone who tries, fails but then picks themselves up and tries again.

    They say it's not the destination but the journey and I truely believe that.

    It really makes you think.

    Will I be remembered as the guy who failed or the guy who tried.

    Take care

  2. Just remember. Love is the beginning and the end of things. They will remember, in time. =)

  3. Existential on the first part, reality-stricken towards the end. Enveloped by disappointment for the loss of life both from the deceased and those who remain.

    I was going to post my reply here but it might bore your readers with its length. I will post it as a blog entry instead.

    Love and prayers to your cousin, Nishiboy. Surely, she feels blessed for having someone that remembers her for how she tried to live her life the best way she could.

  4. @ceiboh: walang *hugs*? lol. jk.

    @excile: thanks excile. people really need to learn to appreciate effort more.

    @mugen: i hope they do. she deserves a lot more than what they have given her so far.

    @ryan: thank ryan. and i'll be sure to read that entry.

  5. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. Moreso, I'm sorry to hear that some people in your family chose to dwell on the ugliness.

    I do hope that despite all that, your cousin felt love, even while she was still alive. We all deserve that.

  6. awwww...condolence po. wala akong ibang masabi, masyado akong nalungkot.

  7. The whole Tuesdays-With-Morrie-funeral-while-still-alive thing amuses me, pero sa tingin ko walang susuporta saken kung gagawin ko yon. Kazurmuch.

    Pero diba, maganda yung idea? People USUALLY say nice things when you're dead. Might as well hear them say that before you die. Para mas mapayapa. Chos.

    Condolence pala.

  8. is she the one you told me about?

    btw, i'll remember jap as:
    - the ex of a friend
    - that kid who, in his drunken stupor, told me i am a cold person
    - my brother's friend who eventually became a good friend as well
    - that friend who gets me out of trouble at times
    - that son who loves her mom very much

    hoy, bakit andrama mo? malate na!

  9. @papa jay: thanks. i hope so too.

    @kraehe: mema ka na naman eh. lol. thanks rhane.

    @vajarl: yeah, usually. ang nakakainis dito eh kung ano-ano pa din sinasabi. patay na nga eh. di niya na kayang ipagtanggol sarili niya.

    @nox: yep, siya yun. di mo ba ako maaalala as the guy you dated? =P tsaka ewan ko sayo, di moko sinipot nung sabado. huhuhu. lol.

  10. tarantado ka talaga! hahaha!

    pinagod kasi ako ni danny. haha!

  11. hoy! di ako mema, nalungkot lang talaga ako sa post mo. at infairness, ito lang yata ang post mo na nakakarelate ako. hindi ako poste.

  12. "I wish people would give more credit to effort. And that they remember us for the good people we tried to be, even if we didn’t quite make it." Tomoh.

  13. miss carrie, long time no see ah. =P

  14. Akala ko dahil ito sa pagpanaw ni AJ, di pala. Pero, yeah, agree ako sa'yo. Kasi naman Nish, kung tutuusin, pareho naman tayo ng pinagdaanan academically. At dyan na dyan din ako tinitira ng pamilya ko. Porket di nakatapos sa UP kasi bumagsak. Kesho di grumaduate on time. At hanggang ngayon palamunin parin kasi nag Medicine. Heto, Liability parin. On this topic, I get you.

    Yeah. People, especially ADULTS should install into their mentalities that effort is worth something. That not all the time, TAMA si Yoda sa saying na its either DO or DO NOT. Naniniwala talaga ako na TRYing in the layman sense is already DOING...but not quite DONE yet.

  15. condolence. hay naku, sensitive ako sa mga ganito.

    *gives jason a hug* and more ^_^

  16. ako naman ang iniisip ko lagi, pag na-deads ba me may pupunta? Ilan kaya bisita ko? hahahah. I don't know with bad impressions about me, but I guess hindi naman pupunta yung mga masama loob sa kin...

    ang hirap lang na yun nga kailangan pa sabihin mga bad impressions naman sa harap ng cousin mo.. bigat naman nun.. ayuko din ng ganun.. hehehe.. dadalawin ko mga mag-iiwan ng ganun..hahahhaha..

  17. @hayme: siyempre alam natin pareho pano mag-fail. hehe. pero lahat naman kasi may kanya-kanyang failures eh. pero tayo, natuto tayong ma-appreciate lalo ang effort ng iba na sumusubok itama ang mga bagay. sila kasi parang ineemphasize nila na mas maraming mali yung ibang tao. baka defense mechanism or something. ipokrito.

  18. @rowell: more? bibigyan moko ice cream? yey! hehe. thanks rowell. =)

    @kamila: haha. ako din dadalawin ko pag ganun. gabi-gabi pa.

  19. Naniniwala lang ako sa sinasabi nilang "mas naa-appreciate lalo ang isang bagay na wala na."

    Be it a failure or success, It's a part of the person's existence.


  20. Mukhang hindi sya masyadong kilala ng pamilya. Pero mas maraming masasabing maganda ang mga kaibigan nya sa kanya. I'm sure if I die right now (knock on wood), my family wouldn't have a lot to say about me cos I'm always out. But I do know my friends will each have a million things to say about me, good and bad.

    Bad outweighs the good sometimes. It should stop when the person is gone but siguro hindi lang talaga nila kilala kung sino sya.

    And about your comment on my blog, don't watch the Big Bang Theory if you don't really appreciate Physics. :)

  21. I'll remember you as..(whoo! english, banatan!!)..

    An exceptional writer with a very cool avatar ;D

    Condolence by the way... -_-

  22. ooops, i didn't expect to find you mourning. condolence.

    tingin ko lang sa 'legacy' na maiiwan sa mga taong kilala natin, mga kaibigan, and especially those closest to us and those we hold dear in our heart, our family...kung sa tingin nila madaming '+' points kesa '-' e salamat pero kung magkabaliktad ang order sa tingin nila wala tayong magagawa for as long as we really tried our very best to set the crooked paths (brought about by circumstances, selfishness and wrong choices natin)in our life straight it's between ourself and our god.

    i hope your cousin will find peace in the great beyond where unconditional love abounds.

    salamat sa pagbasa ng blog ko. isa pong karangalan ang mabisita nyo.

  23. it seems, sadly, to be a filipino trait (unless you're not filipino, nish. no offense meant.)

    i hate going cultural on things but this one reeks of it. hard to go through a death in the family with a lot of negativity.

    stay positive for your cuzz. i tell you, she'll appreciate that.

  24. Sincerest condolences to you and your family Nishi...

    Im sure at some point she tried to be the best person she can be in her own little way.... =)

  25. patay man o buhay
    people mostly remember bad things about you
    yun kasi ang mas masarap itsismis, eh

    happy easter!