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Thursday, January 31, 2019

Normal

What do I write about when I’m not sad or in pain, but I’m not ecstatically happy either? What do I write about when I just am?

My life has been going really well these past couple of years. I can say that I’ve conquered my depression. I do still get swept under the occasional wave of hopelessness. But by now, I already know to just roll with it and remember that it won’t be long before I break through the surface and get that gasp of air. Then everything goes back to normal.

Normal. For so many years, that word had been so abstract to me. My life had always been a series of abrupt shifts between highs and lows - joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, love and hate. I didn’t really spend time in the between, and because of that, I never really had a grasp of “normal”.

But that’s where I am now. I’m in the between. I’m in the normal. I finally know how it is to just be. I think this is how it feels to be at peace. And I must admit, when I started feeling this way, I felt a little jealous of people who’ve felt like this their whole lives.

I think it’s the meds. I’m always on antidepressants now. Those little pills help clear the noise in my head, help me think straight, help me see pathways where there used to be just clutter. They even out the highs and the lows, keep my thoughts and moods within the normal zone.

I don’t really get “too sad” anymore. But I don’t get “too happy” anymore either. It’s as if life itself got dulled. I still laugh and I still cry. But I don’t feel the things that I used to feel. The meds shield me from the bad, but they also numb me from the good.

This is my normal. This is who I am now.

I’m not complaining. I’ve already felt more than enough emotions in the past. I’m content to just be in the normal right now. This is where I can keep my eyes on my dreams and not get distracted by the overwhelming colors of life. This is where I can become more. This is where I can move forward.

But I do miss it sometimes...feeling the intensity of life, letting myself get smothered in its embrace, feeling the warmth, the pain, the ecstasy. Maybe someday, I can get to be that guy again. Maybe someday, I can once again drench myself in pain, in sorrow, in regret. Maybe someday, I’ll experience again how it feels to be intoxicated with joy, love, passion, and all of life’s sweet flavors.

Maybe then, I can be strong enough to have that as my normal without being destroyed.

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