The pain of not wanting to get hurt

I’m a man who has fallen in love and gotten hurt more times that I can remember. To me, love and relationships have become nothing but risks. I had loved with total abandon, with all my armors discarded, with my heart bared and at the mercy of someone else. And every time, I have been hurt. Every time, my heart was pierced, and I was left bleeding and gasping for air, with just enough breath in me to make it through to the next second.

I promised myself that I would not make that mistake again. Or that at least, if I do decide to give my heart to someone, if I decide to be someone’s boyfriend again, that I would take every step with caution. I would guard my heart. And should everything fall apart, like it always does, I swore that I wouldn’t be the one at the losing end. I will not lose myself. I will not go through that pain again. I will not fall to pieces.

Today, I lost my chance at someone who could have been good for me. I was protecting myself. I didn’t want to open myself up to him. I was sure that he wasn’t taking me seriously, that he was just someone who was passing through. I was sure that he was a guy who’s only meant to spend some fleeting moments with me before he moved on to someone else. He was just like the guys I’ve met before. He was just like who I was to them.

I did some stupid things and I ended up losing him. I was protecting myself. I didn’t want to get too involved. I didn’t want to be on the losing side if ever it ended. And so it ended before we could truly start anything. We could have been good together. Or we could have been a disaster. I guess I’ll never know.

But I’m hurting. For all my talk of not wanting to get hurt again, I still ended up here, soaked in pain and regret, my heart bleeding as I mourn the loss of someone I could have loved. Someone I have started to love. I’m sure I’ll heal from this. I’m sure I’ll eventually accept my mistake, and even learn from it. But for now, this is where I am. This is what I’ll have to bear.