To those who don't know, I'm somewhat of a singer too. Singing is one of the few things that I can say that I'm pretty good at.
Here's a recording of me jamming in Uno Bar in Greenfield. Boyps and I were drinking one on one and I cornered him into jamming with the band. Then he insisted that I sing something as well, so this happened.
Obviously, the guy cheering is le boyps.
(And yeah, this is a filler post. Will write something soon.)
Still in the business of making people cry
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Seeing The Man He Sees In Me
I have an amazing boyfriend. He is a graduate of the top university in the country. At 24 years old, he is already an intermediate-level consultant in a very big company, handling a business process of another big company. He sings really well, joined a band and a choir when he was still in college. Just recently, I learned that he also used to be a dancer. And as the cherry on top of that ridiculously icing-ed cake, he is breathtakingly handsome. He can literally get any guy he likes.
I pale in comparison to him. I am also from a top university, but it took me six and a half years to finish my degree. I work in a startup company because it’s the only one that’s willing to accept me after I’ve ditched too many jobs. I used to sing in a choir too, but I have no experience in singing solo in front of an audience, and I can only dream of singing the notes that he hits as if he were just exhaling. I don’t dance at all, me dancing should be outlawed. And sure, I may be above-average when it comes to looks, but I can never hope to get the kind of guys that he does.
He first told me that he loved me while we were downing bottles of beer. It was adorable how it just slipped out. We were talking about how amazed we were about each other when he suddenly blurted, “Kaya nga ako na-in love…” then looked at me like I’d just caught him stealing from the cookie jar. I laughed and started to prod, until he admitted that he had already started to fall in love with me. I felt so lucky that someone so amazing could possibly fall for me. And then I admitted that I’ve also started to fall in love with him.
It was just too good to be true. He was perfect. And yet there he was saying that he was falling for little old me. We started out great. But things threatened to fall apart when I started demanding for more than he can give. I started comparing the parts of us that were investing in our relationship. I started to doubt his love for me.
Looking back, I think the reason that our relationship sailed through those rough waters was because I just could not believe that someone like him can possibly fall in love with me. Behind all my self-worth speeches and my claims that I deserved more from him, deep inside, I didn’t think that I deserved him at all. That was why I was so desperate to look for proofs of his love, so I can have something to hold on to. And when he was unable to grant those things to me, I felt dejected and started to question his love.
He did his best to show me that he loved me, and yet there I was, still unsure no matter what he did. In the end, he wasn’t the one that lacked love for me. I lacked love for myself. Whether or not he deserved someone like me, is not up to me to decide. It is up to him. And I should have believed it the moment he chose me out of all the guys he can get.
I should have believed him when he told me that my voice had the texture he wishes he had, and that it’s amazing how I get lost in a song once I’ve started to sing. I should have believed him when he said that he can see that deep inside, I’m a guy determined to reach his goals no matter what, even when I myself couldn’t see it. I should have believed him when he told me that I write really well. I should have believed him when he said that I’ve had him ever since I caught his eye that night we met. And above it all, I should have just believed in his I love you’s ever since it slipped out that night we were together.
I need to get myself together. I need to stop looking away from the man that he sees in me. Otherwise, this insecurity will be the big wall that will keep his love from reaching me. In the end, the only thing I ever needed to do to deserve his love was to love myself more.
I pale in comparison to him. I am also from a top university, but it took me six and a half years to finish my degree. I work in a startup company because it’s the only one that’s willing to accept me after I’ve ditched too many jobs. I used to sing in a choir too, but I have no experience in singing solo in front of an audience, and I can only dream of singing the notes that he hits as if he were just exhaling. I don’t dance at all, me dancing should be outlawed. And sure, I may be above-average when it comes to looks, but I can never hope to get the kind of guys that he does.
He first told me that he loved me while we were downing bottles of beer. It was adorable how it just slipped out. We were talking about how amazed we were about each other when he suddenly blurted, “Kaya nga ako na-in love…” then looked at me like I’d just caught him stealing from the cookie jar. I laughed and started to prod, until he admitted that he had already started to fall in love with me. I felt so lucky that someone so amazing could possibly fall for me. And then I admitted that I’ve also started to fall in love with him.
It was just too good to be true. He was perfect. And yet there he was saying that he was falling for little old me. We started out great. But things threatened to fall apart when I started demanding for more than he can give. I started comparing the parts of us that were investing in our relationship. I started to doubt his love for me.
Looking back, I think the reason that our relationship sailed through those rough waters was because I just could not believe that someone like him can possibly fall in love with me. Behind all my self-worth speeches and my claims that I deserved more from him, deep inside, I didn’t think that I deserved him at all. That was why I was so desperate to look for proofs of his love, so I can have something to hold on to. And when he was unable to grant those things to me, I felt dejected and started to question his love.
He did his best to show me that he loved me, and yet there I was, still unsure no matter what he did. In the end, he wasn’t the one that lacked love for me. I lacked love for myself. Whether or not he deserved someone like me, is not up to me to decide. It is up to him. And I should have believed it the moment he chose me out of all the guys he can get.
I should have believed him when he told me that my voice had the texture he wishes he had, and that it’s amazing how I get lost in a song once I’ve started to sing. I should have believed him when he said that he can see that deep inside, I’m a guy determined to reach his goals no matter what, even when I myself couldn’t see it. I should have believed him when he told me that I write really well. I should have believed him when he said that I’ve had him ever since I caught his eye that night we met. And above it all, I should have just believed in his I love you’s ever since it slipped out that night we were together.
I need to get myself together. I need to stop looking away from the man that he sees in me. Otherwise, this insecurity will be the big wall that will keep his love from reaching me. In the end, the only thing I ever needed to do to deserve his love was to love myself more.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Bakla Therefore Malandi
Hanggang ngayon ba isinisisi pa din natin pagiging malandi natin sa pagiging bakla natin?
Utang na loob, 2014 na.
Anong petsa pa natin aaminin na yung mga ginawa nating kalandian, yun ay dahil malandi tayo nun at ginusto nating gawin yun? Wala namang nasusulat na batas na kapag bakla ka, kelangan mong lumandi.
Choice mo yun. Tangina naman eh.
Utang na loob, 2014 na.
Anong petsa pa natin aaminin na yung mga ginawa nating kalandian, yun ay dahil malandi tayo nun at ginusto nating gawin yun? Wala namang nasusulat na batas na kapag bakla ka, kelangan mong lumandi.
Choice mo yun. Tangina naman eh.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
I Will Write About Love No More
This blog has seen me change my mind about love more times than I thought was humanly possible. I’ve gone from being hurt by love, to being hopelessly in love, to being cautious, to falling in love with someone I just met, to falling for more than one person at the same time, to not being in love, then back to being hurt, then to a dozen more links in my never-ending chain of highs and lows. Let me add one more to that long list: right now, I am giving up on love.
This ridiculous search for that rush of hormones has led me nowhere. I’ve experienced being hurt and hurting other people more times than I can handle. It’s a great feeling, being lifted up in the clouds, but the downward spiral when everything falls apart is not something I want to go through again. I’ve been peddling my heart and body for too long. I’ve been called names, and I’ve actually allowed myself to believe them, when the truth is, I just wanted desperately to find “the right one”.
Well fuck that. I’m tired of it all.
This time, I’m loving myself. This time, I’m going put my body on the line solely for the pleasure of it, and not because I’m looking for someone who’ll have me or because I want to take revenge on someone who hurt me. This time, I won’t care if someone calls me depraved or whatever label they decide to stick on me, because I know that I’m doing exactly what I want. Yes, this time I know exactly what I want. This time, I’m not letting anyone near my heart.
Love is unnecessary. Love is something I’m incapable of. I will write about love no more.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Drunk Convos: Inconsequential
At last night's inuman:
Friend 1: Man, Z is really cute.
Nishi: Yeah, I'm totally crushing on him too. That smile...
Friend 1: And those eyes...
Friend 2: He has a boyfriend though
Friend 1: So?
Friend 2: So he's not on the menu
Friend 1: Nah, that doesn't follow.
Nishi: Yeah, boyfriends are inconsequential
Friend 1: Exactly.
Friend 2: *laughs*
Friend 1: Man, Z is really cute.
Nishi: Yeah, I'm totally crushing on him too. That smile...
Friend 1: And those eyes...
Friend 2: He has a boyfriend though
Friend 1: So?
Friend 2: So he's not on the menu
Friend 1: Nah, that doesn't follow.
Nishi: Yeah, boyfriends are inconsequential
Friend 1: Exactly.
Friend 2: *laughs*
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