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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

His Worthless Ex

Tomorrow, it will be a year since I posted my first entry in His Worthless Ex. I was about to talk to my ex and tell him that I no longer wanted us to get back together. But I was not ready yet. I have decided to end things, but I wasn’t ready to do it.

Over the following months, my blog became a testament to how fickle I was.

I wrote about how I broke my ex’s heart for what I thought was the last time, when I finally gathered up the courage to tell him that I wanted us to break up for good.

Then I wrote that we were on good terms, that he found my blog and read my entries, and I just laughed about it.

I wrote about the guys I dated after my ex and I broke up. Everybody saw how excited I was about my newfound singlehood.

Barely a month after my first post, I wrote my ex a letter. I apologized and begged him to forgive me. I wanted him to take me back.

I wrote that I was dealing with too many things all at once and that I was starting to give out, but also that I was determined to win my ex back because he was worth it.

Then I revealed whose ex I was. It was after I made another mistake that cost me him yet again.

Soon after, I said that I had started to accept that all our good days have ended. I apologized to my ex one last time and promised to stop talking about the breakup.

I wrote that I was moving on.

But not a month had passed when I cursed him and blamed him for the breakup. I bade farewell to my blog and declared that my story had ended.

After a month, I was back. I said that I had come to realize that I can’t run from my problems. I was going to face them head-on.

I wrote about how I tried (and failed) to relive our days by doing the things we used to do but with other people.

Then I changed blogs and claimed that I will no longer write as someone’s ex, that I had already said everything I had to say about the breakup and will no longer write about it.

But I ended up still writing a couple more posts about my ex here in my new blog. I tried to pass them off as fiction, but it was a lame attempt. The truth was I wanted everyone to figure out that I was still hurting.


...


I started writing this entry a few weeks ago. I wanted to make sure that I wrote all the right words in this anniversary post so I prepared for it even though it was so unlike me to prepare for anything. This was the first ending I wrote:

Someone told me that when moving on, we should allow ourselves to look back whenever we feel the need, to acknowledge the loss and accept the sadness before moving forward again. I have found that this need has steadily diminished for me over the past year.

I am almost there. But let this be one of those few moments when I look back.

A very emo ending, soaked in regret, served so raw. That was exactly what I would have been expected to write in my old blog; very Ex Jason.

This morning, however, I read some stuff that my ex wrote about his boyfriend, and I was surprised to find myself smiling when I finished it. He wrote with such joy, so much that it was contagious. I can’t help but feel happy for him.

That made me realize something. What kept me from moving on was not regret after all. If it were, I would have been devastated to have it shoved in my face that he was really out of reach. It was actually guilt that trapped me. That was why I wanted so much to fix what I broke. But from what I read, he’s no longer broken and it I think his boyfriend is better for him than I ever was. Everything worked itself out in the end, and I now know for sure that we are better off today than we would have been if we had tried to stay together.

I guess this is finally the closure I’ve been trying to get for so long. It’s funny that this hallelujah moment had to happen the day before I was supposed to publish my emo anniversary post. Maybe I’m really not meant to write anything as Ex Jason anymore. I have to stop wallowing in guilt. Philip had already forgiven me a long time ago, all that’s left is for me to forgive myself. That was all I ever had to do to move on.

With this, I am finally letting go of that last thread that has kept me from truly taking that jump off the edge. I’ve held back long enough. It’s time that I finally stop being Philip’s ex. Now I can truly start being John’s man.

20 comments:

  1. i stumbled upon your tweet about how you would end this post you were writing and I think you ended it well, not just in style and content, but also for yourself.

    congratulations. here's to bigger and brighter things ahead. parang regularization letter lang hehe.

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  2. aw..many hugs for you...

    kaya next time, pag anjan na yun next mo mamahalin, alagaan mo ng todo at wag pakalawan :-)

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  3. Wowowow...may John's man na pala? (Binabalikan ang previous post...)

    Ahhhh...si John si SPARKY-SPARK-SPARK!!!
    Weeeeeeee...
    Kilig moment!!!

    You deserve this new beginning, Jap. Go for it! I totally support this change sa life mo. And I hope na you apply everything you've learned from your relationship with Philip and apply it to John.

    John...cute na name. Although generic, it brings the boy-next-door feel. (Wala bang FB dyan ni John? Kahit private na lang!) Yehey!!!

    Am so happy for you Jap. Amidst the phisical baha (as in, naglunop jud diri Bangkal bah!), torrential pud akong joy for you, Jap. Mwah!!!

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  4. As the cliche goes, breaking up is never easy. And moving on can be a bitch.

    It sounds like you've made some major realizations here - quite the personal epiphany moment if I might dare say. In that regard, congrats! From experience I know this still won't be the last time you'll find yourself looking back at the past and wondering, but at least you'll no longer be living in it.

    Best of luck with John.

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  5. awww this made me smile. what a ride it was!

    naalala ko isa ka sa mga una kong naging kakulitan dito.

    happy anniversary! here's to more blog entries!

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  6. @DSM: bigger and brighter things talaga? haha. thanks dsm.

    @mac: yeah. i'll do better this time. =)

    @spiral: thanks thanks. pagsulat na sad about sa lovelife nimo uy. =P

    @hayme: haha. i'll tell you more about him pag nagka chat ta.

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  7. At some point, sometimes, the path of two lovers diverge.

    Never to meet again.

    Kane

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  8. @rocky: it feels good to be able to look back at our story from the outside. hehe. btw, i read in your entry that you frequent Obar malate. may sasabihin ako sayo pag nag-abot tayo dun. =)

    @bien: siyempre iba na naman name mo. haha. alala ko dati sabi mo sakin, make a place for my memories and leave them there. or something. hehe. anyway, that's what i'm doing now. it feels good to be able to look back at that part of my life from the outside.

    @nox: thanks dad. lol. =P

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  9. @kane: yeah. we were young, we built our ideas about love around each other and we started to walk down the road to forever with our hands held. it was so special that i thought it was impossible for it to just fade away. pwede pala talagang mangyari yun. i know better now.

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  10. ay may tumulong isang patak na luha! :) haha congrats nishiboy! :)

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  11. An ending that, I'm sure, everybody prefers to see than the one you initially intended. Let's drink to that (Seriously, inom tayo. Tara.)

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  12. congrats, pare. we all deserve to be freed, and to be captivated once again.

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  13. @jayps: haha. echosera! kita-kits ulit tayong tatlo ha. =)

    @ryan: i'm drinking tonight. =P

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  14. I remember those posts! Happy anniversary sa'yo matangkad na blogger! Hahaha

    John's man! Sh*t kinilig ako! Haha

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  15. "It’s time that I finally stop being Philip’s ex. Now I can truly start being John’s man."

    galing! cheers to you, 'carrie' and john! :-)

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  16. @berde: thanks dude. lol.

    @nimmy: matangkad talaga? haha. hoy next time na magkita tayo dapat ganyan ka din ka-perky. =P

    @primary colors: sinong carrie? nalilito ka yata. haha. thanks. =)

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  17. How cute! The last line was very powerful.

    I know sobrang delayed pero happy (belated) anniversary kay Ex Jason. It's good that you're really letting go. Best of luck, sir! :)

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  18. Inspirational Nish

    Love how you've captured the whole grieving process eventually coming full circle to a happy ending.

    There is hope :)

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