Once again, my activities in the past have become an issue. I really should keep those secret next time.
Actually, I didn’t have a choice. My blogs were a dead giveaway and didn’t leave me with that much more ugly things to hide. But they weren’t going to be an issue. I was going to get credits for being honest. At least, that’s what I was told.
It’s all in the past, after all. What’s important is the now. That was also what I was told.
And yet I am getting beat up for it again. All my attempts at reassurance have been overlooked, and now I am once again in the dark, fumbling, stuck, not knowing where I am or where to step next.
I made those mistakes a long time ago. I laid them all out at the starting line, hoping to be given a clean slate. I had already served my time for them and I didn’t want them blocking my way. But I guess I was too naive to think that I had done enough. It appears those mistakes I made are the kind that come back and haunt you.
A little vague? Let me clear that up a bit:
I cheated on my ex with random guys I met in random places. Since then, every guy I’ve dated has either doubted my capacity to stay faithful or suspected that I had HIV. It didn’t matter what I said, they never listened. They were sure that I was going to make the relationship fail.
Well fuck that. If I’m going to be judged anyway, then I might as well be doing the things I’m being judged for.
From now on, I will wink at guys who try to catch my eye and go with them to their place for a good fuck.
I will answer every anonymous text invites I receive for sex and orgies.
I will go to those clubs and go with every guy who grabs my arm and leads me to the dark room, and I will put on a damn good show.
I will go to those shady movie houses and let the men suck on my dick while everyone around watches, and I might even give a lucky few a good suck myself.
I’ve already done more than my share of the time. It’s time I caught up on the crime. I'm done trying to prove myself.
Putangina, promiscuous pala ako ha? Sige, pakitaan kita ng promiscuous.
Nishiboy is back on the meat market.
My advice may come unwarranted, but I've always felt that you should be true to yourself. If this is what you want, then go for it and I for one support your decision. However, the tone of this reading sounds to me like you are reacting to what others have said. I really think that "reacting" is not where a person wants to be. Anyway...be true to thyself and I think you will find happiness and balance.
ReplyDeleteDidn't know you're capable of doing such things. Naniniwala ka kasi sa kanya eh..
ReplyDeleteI think this is the saddest I've ever read from you. Don't let a few closed-minded men faze you, Nishi. Just my unsolicited advice. :(
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're hurt, bro. Simmer down a little before you go and do this. You know you deserve better.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about him, it's about you and what's important to you.
ReplyDeleteah so papalamon ka na lang sa mga buwitre? ganun ganon lang?
ReplyDeleteDi ko maintindihan, Why bother giving them the pleasure of dictating your fate?
Seems to me you're attacking your problem the wrong way.
ReplyDeleteI think the issue here is you having cheated in the past, not you being promiscuous. Kasi you can be very promiscuous and have sex with any Tom, Dick and Harry just as you proposed here, but if you're single naman while doing it, I don't see anything wrong with that. (Just make sure you play safe.)
So you made a mistake by cheating in the past; hindi naman tayo perfect eh. But you've been dating guys who cannot let your past mistake be past and continue to judge your present with it. I say, YOU DON'T DESERVE THEM, no matter how much you like or love any one of them. They are not for you. (And I believe they are not really ready to be in a relationship to begin with, if they continue to think that way.)
You need to find that someone who will take a chance with you knowing that you've cheated in the past. You need to find that someone who is willing to trust that you'll do your best not to cheat.
Does that person exist? Does he seem too ideal? Yes, there are still guys like those. Where to find them? Ay, there I can't help you, hahaha.
HALA! maghunos dili ka!
ReplyDeleteNa-misinterpret mo lang siguro ang sinabi nya. Kelangan nyong mag-usap hindi yung nagrerebelde ka na naman.
haaays, pag-ibig nga naman.
take it easy. been there, experienced that. you'll find one true love who will accept and trust you. forget those who didn't, it's their loss; it's their problem.
ReplyDeletepsttttt... dont. =) just brush it off, if they dont believe you they aint worth your time... but giving yourself out to prove them right isnt going to change anything... hug your friends and the people who appreciate you... =) think about yourself... you shouldnt be pleasing others... just yourself. =)
ReplyDelete*hugs and kisses*
P
Hoyyy anoveh.
ReplyDeleteWhat matters is you know yourself better than others. Are you really going to do those things? That's like affirming their misconceptions of you?
btw, i just emailed the password to the video clip
ReplyDeletei can smell blood here. your blood. what i mean is, who do you care more? what you know about yourself, who you are, or the other person who can't seem to accept you for what you are and the things about your past as well and now this trust issue? i don't know your current partner and i don't mean to discredit him in anyway.
ReplyDeletei'm talking about you. it's really tough always staying on the defensive side and harder still living your life according to people's expectations or reverse the judgment that people passed on you. doing so is tantamount to self-destruction.
though truth hurts it can also be liberating. and you have chosen to liberate yourself by being truthful about your past. however, we should also accept the fact that not everybody can stand facing the naked truth. so let them be. let them turn their backs and walk away. meron ka rin makikilala who is comfortable embracing the truth about you. what counts is you and the lessons that you have learned from the past. those who haven't learned any lesson from past mistakes are doomed to repeat it. :)
be kind to yourself. it's the only one you got. sorry no cloning allowed hehe.
at the end of the day it's just between yourself and your god. no one else in between.
keep loving, keep living. (sabi nga ni jaya, there's more to love than making love)
Well you have to make people understand that if they dig up the past they are bound to know things that they will not be comfortable with.
ReplyDelete"Don't ask the question if you're not prepared for the answer."
On one side, you have to accept that since you have posted parts of your life in public, you will be subject to prejudice.
And if people will judge you for things that you have done before and even question you, i really don't think they're worth knowing more.
If you're going to be a bitch, go lang! If you're going to be pious, go pa rin. But do this because you want to, not because of whoever.
Tsk, tsk, just how much revenge can you concoct with?
ReplyDeleteI smell a plot, a thick and viscous one.
But the question remains, who are you kidding?
hoy nishi. ang arti arti mo ha. si dee nagpapasama sa malate, hindi ko masamahan. why not mag-date kayo teh??? :)
ReplyDeletemy unsolicited advice, the best revenge is achieved not by proving your accusers they were right all along, but by proving that they were soooo wrong
ReplyDelete@nishi: hi there.. honestly, i like this post of yours.. people can see this side of you, na there's a real person behind the blog, na nasasaktan din at may mga pinagdadaanan.. it's ok to rant, to vent, to blurt it all out there..
ReplyDeletebut actually doing it?? -- Putangina, promiscuous pala ako ha? Sige, pakitaan kita ng promiscuous.
i'd have to agree with Colorblind: "doing so is tantamount to self-destruction."
i may not know you like the others; but i know, for sure, that you're better than this.. i know you know that too.. :)