Worth The Risk

Hey E.

We’ve been dating for a while now. Was it on our third month when I told you that I’ve already fallen in love with you? Well, I didn’t really “fall in love” with you, it was more that I chose to love you. My heart has been wounded too many times already for it to just fall for someone. I’ve long dismissed the fairy-tales and rainbows kind of love. I’ve decided to see love as a decision. Feelings change and even fade; they make a weak foundation to build love on.  A decision, on the other hand, will hold for as long as you choose to stick to it.

And so it was that I chose to keep my eyes only on you. I decided not to date anyone else. I reserved my weekends for you, spent my nights in your place, I was always there when you wanted me by your side. Those were things I chose to do because I have already decided to love you.

But after all my talk about not being capable of falling in love, of not wanting to fall in love, I still found myself falling for you.

The things that I used to choose to do, I started doing because I was already incapable of doing otherwise. I could no longer let a day pass without me telling you that I loved you. I found it hard to sleep without you in my arms.

I was sure that you were the one I wanted to be with. Sadly, you could never seem to bring yourself to be sure about me.

I know that you want to be with me. I can feel it from the way you take care of me and the way that you keep on holding on to me somehow. But you have always held me at an arm’s length, just close enough to be within reach, but still at a distance. You keep asking all these questions; questions that no matter how hard I tried to answer, you are always still unconvinced.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on choosing to love you. To be honest, I have started seeing someone else. He and I have only gone out a few times, but I can’t help but feel that the likelihood of him giving me a chance is more than I should hope for from you.  You and I have been together much longer, but honestly, where we are now doesn’t feel that far from where we started. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep lingering in that place. I can't keep trying to prove my worth.

I know you’re worth the wait. You really are. But I also think that I am worth the risk, what we have is worth the risk. I just wish you could see that too.