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Thursday, August 15, 2013

Worth The Risk

Hey E.

We’ve been dating for a while now. Was it on our third month when I told you that I’ve already fallen in love with you? Well, I didn’t really “fall in love” with you, it was more that I chose to love you. My heart has been wounded too many times already for it to just fall for someone. I’ve long dismissed the fairy-tales and rainbows kind of love. I’ve decided to see love as a decision. Feelings change and even fade; they make a weak foundation to build love on.  A decision, on the other hand, will hold for as long as you choose to stick to it.

And so it was that I chose to keep my eyes only on you. I decided not to date anyone else. I reserved my weekends for you, spent my nights in your place, I was always there when you wanted me by your side. Those were things I chose to do because I have already decided to love you.

But after all my talk about not being capable of falling in love, of not wanting to fall in love, I still found myself falling for you.

The things that I used to choose to do, I started doing because I was already incapable of doing otherwise. I could no longer let a day pass without me telling you that I loved you. I found it hard to sleep without you in my arms.

I was sure that you were the one I wanted to be with. Sadly, you could never seem to bring yourself to be sure about me.

I know that you want to be with me. I can feel it from the way you take care of me and the way that you keep on holding on to me somehow. But you have always held me at an arm’s length, just close enough to be within reach, but still at a distance. You keep asking all these questions; questions that no matter how hard I tried to answer, you are always still unconvinced.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on choosing to love you. To be honest, I have started seeing someone else. He and I have only gone out a few times, but I can’t help but feel that the likelihood of him giving me a chance is more than I should hope for from you.  You and I have been together much longer, but honestly, where we are now doesn’t feel that far from where we started. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep lingering in that place. I can't keep trying to prove my worth.

I know you’re worth the wait. You really are. But I also think that I am worth the risk, what we have is worth the risk. I just wish you could see that too.

9 comments:

  1. Nice entry. I hope E will be able to read this, It would be a waste to let go of this chance for love I also hope that he will finally see the sincerity of your words.

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  2. dang! damang-dama ko bawat salita. tagos sa puso. jeez, kung may nag-abot sa akin ng sulat na yan ang sinabi, ewan ko lang. wala na kong sasayanging oras, i'll jump on board na.

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  3. Aww.. i can't help but to feel so sad about this post.. specially when you said that you had given up that fairy-tale kind of love. That you believe that feelings will always change and fade.. (or mali lang ako sa pagkakaintindi) sa opinion ko.. you shouldn't.

    Kung sino man kasama mo ngayon o makakasama mo sa future, just love them, and whatever comes your way.. magkahiwalay man kayo or whatever, hindi man niya nabigay sayo yung love na you think you deserve, do not regret every second that you are together. I suggest don't think about other things while u are currently in the relation that will make love complicated.

    Just love, and be free to love. Love should be something that will make you feel happy. At sa post na toh, hindi ko ma-feel yun. Enjoy each other's presence.

    At kung sakaling hindi mag-work-out (not wishing), grieve, throw out those last pages of unhappiness, and take with u the good ones, and move-on to the next chapter of ur life and be ready to fall in-love again.



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  4. But you really don't need to sleep with other guys just because...

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  5. awww... i think you're great. i wish all the best for you. the right person would come at the right time... sometimes, things has to be painful and sad for us to see and appreciate what real happiness is...

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  6. Haaay. It's really hard when we chose and decided to start loving, then suddenly things don't work out as happy as we want it to be. I can somehow relate to this post coz I also started to open myself up to the possibility of love. Yet, he also kept the distance. Sad. But there's nothing more I can do about it.

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  7. So he's right after all. Just a few months di mo napigilan sarili mo mangibangpugad. You're not capable of loving. You selfish bitch.

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