His Worthless Ex

Tomorrow, it will be a year since I posted my first entry in His Worthless Ex. I was about to talk to my ex and tell him that I no longer wanted us to get back together. But I was not ready yet. I have decided to end things, but I wasn’t ready to do it.

Over the following months, my blog became a testament to how fickle I was.

I wrote about how I broke my ex’s heart for what I thought was the last time, when I finally gathered up the courage to tell him that I wanted us to break up for good.

Then I wrote that we were on good terms, that he found my blog and read my entries, and I just laughed about it.

I wrote about the guys I dated after my ex and I broke up. Everybody saw how excited I was about my newfound singlehood.

Barely a month after my first post, I wrote my ex a letter. I apologized and begged him to forgive me. I wanted him to take me back.

I wrote that I was dealing with too many things all at once and that I was starting to give out, but also that I was determined to win my ex back because he was worth it.

Then I revealed whose ex I was. It was after I made another mistake that cost me him yet again.

Soon after, I said that I had started to accept that all our good days have ended. I apologized to my ex one last time and promised to stop talking about the breakup.

I wrote that I was moving on.

But not a month had passed when I cursed him and blamed him for the breakup. I bade farewell to my blog and declared that my story had ended.

After a month, I was back. I said that I had come to realize that I can’t run from my problems. I was going to face them head-on.

I wrote about how I tried (and failed) to relive our days by doing the things we used to do but with other people.

Then I changed blogs and claimed that I will no longer write as someone’s ex, that I had already said everything I had to say about the breakup and will no longer write about it.

But I ended up still writing a couple more posts about my ex here in my new blog. I tried to pass them off as fiction, but it was a lame attempt. The truth was I wanted everyone to figure out that I was still hurting.


...


I started writing this entry a few weeks ago. I wanted to make sure that I wrote all the right words in this anniversary post so I prepared for it even though it was so unlike me to prepare for anything. This was the first ending I wrote:

Someone told me that when moving on, we should allow ourselves to look back whenever we feel the need, to acknowledge the loss and accept the sadness before moving forward again. I have found that this need has steadily diminished for me over the past year.

I am almost there. But let this be one of those few moments when I look back.

A very emo ending, soaked in regret, served so raw. That was exactly what I would have been expected to write in my old blog; very Ex Jason.

This morning, however, I read some stuff that my ex wrote about his boyfriend, and I was surprised to find myself smiling when I finished it. He wrote with such joy, so much that it was contagious. I can’t help but feel happy for him.

That made me realize something. What kept me from moving on was not regret after all. If it were, I would have been devastated to have it shoved in my face that he was really out of reach. It was actually guilt that trapped me. That was why I wanted so much to fix what I broke. But from what I read, he’s no longer broken and it I think his boyfriend is better for him than I ever was. Everything worked itself out in the end, and I now know for sure that we are better off today than we would have been if we had tried to stay together.

I guess this is finally the closure I’ve been trying to get for so long. It’s funny that this hallelujah moment had to happen the day before I was supposed to publish my emo anniversary post. Maybe I’m really not meant to write anything as Ex Jason anymore. I have to stop wallowing in guilt. Philip had already forgiven me a long time ago, all that’s left is for me to forgive myself. That was all I ever had to do to move on.

With this, I am finally letting go of that last thread that has kept me from truly taking that jump off the edge. I’ve held back long enough. It’s time that I finally stop being Philip’s ex. Now I can truly start being John’s man.

I Didn't See This Coming

There’s really no way to foresee if you will like someone or not. You can make a checklist and the guy can fail in one out of every five items, but you still end up liking him. Conversely, he can fit the bill perfectly, then you find out that there’s no spark.

Of course, that might not apply to you. I’m really just talking about me and the guys I date. Take the last two guys I dated for example. First, there was John, the closeted guy. I liked him and he told me he liked me back. We had a few, well actually, a lot of issues because he was closeted and I was mostly out, but we gave it a shot anyway. We dated for a month. We had a great time. Never mind that he practically runs every time he sees people looking at us, or that I have to stay three feet away from him when we’re out in public, or that he always wants us to be in secluded areas (well, sometimes those are fun), we enjoyed every moment we spent with each other anyway.

Then came Danny, the guy who fearlessly professed his…um…like for me in front of a couple of my friends. We went out once and I was reminded of how liberating it was to not care about what people might think. I had a really great time with him, but I turned him down because I was still dating John.

But John and I stopped dating a few days later. We found that the difference in our lifestyle and choices was too big for us to handle and we decided to end it. So I tried dating Danny. I must say, he definitely knew how to woo a guy. He did everything right. And it didn’t hurt that we had a lot in common either. We work in the same company, we are members of the same organization, we both sing in videoke with a passion and we’re both programmers, among other things. And most of all, we’re both out. All of the things that I thought John lacked, I found in Danny.

But there was something Danny didn’t have that John did: that goddamned spark.

So there I was, dating the guy who had a lot of the things that I wanted, but I was still wondering how things would have worked out between me and John if we had both tried harder. Danny was going to introduce me to his friends. He had everything planned out for days. But there I was on the night before the planned meet-the-friends, texting John and telling him that I missed him.

Then my phone rang. It was John. I answered it and two minutes into the call, my eyes started welling up. I was a friggin high-schooler in tears from hearing her crush’s voice. I haven’t been that ashamed of myself since I watched that Sarah Geronimo and Gerald Anderson movie. But, cheesy as it sounds, those tears made me realize that John really does matter to me.

So John and I are going to meet next week and talk things over. We’re going to give it another shot. No more holding back this time. I will once again jump off the edge with my hands in the air. If it doesn’t work out and I fall smack to the ground again…well, why would I even think about that? There’s no point in doing this if I’ll only expect it to fail. I’m going to take the plunge and savor the rush of the wind, tumbling through the air with my arms spread wide open and my heart beating at its fastest.

And yes, I’m going to admit it now.

I think it’s possible that I may somehow already be kind of in love with him. Sort of.

Five

In no particular order:

• Guadalupe Commercial Complex
• Market Market 5th floor
• MRT last coach
• MRT Shaw and Boni stations
• SM North Edsa cinema

.

Mahirap pala talaga pag closeted ang dine-date mo

Mahirap pala talaga pag closeted ang dine-date mo.

Andyan yung naiilang siya pag sinasabihan mo siyang ang cute niya pag magkasama kayo sa kainan.

Bigla siyang tatalikod o lalayo sayo habang nagyoyosi kayo kasi may dumaang kakilala niya.

Kailangan mong magpaalam kung pwede mo ba siyang ipakilala sa kaibigan mo bilang date.

At pag-dial mo ng number mo sa phone niya, pangalan ng babae ang lumabas.

Ayokong umabot sa puntong magboyfriend na kami tapos ipapakilala niya ako bilang kaibigan.

Hindi ako yung tipong tinatago. Ako yung tipong ipinagmamalaki.


Nung Sabado, may umamin sa akin na gusto niya daw ako. Nasa inuman kami nun. Hindi niya kakilala mga kainuman namin pero naglakas-loob siyang aminin sa harap nila na gusto niya ako.

Inikot niya ako sa UP Diliman nung Linggo. Nabanggit ko kasi sa kanyang di pa ako nakakapag-ikot dun. Naglakad-lakad kami, nag kwentuhan, nag food trip, nanood ng mga nagja-jogging. Nagtawanan kami at nagkulitan mula alas kwatro ng hapon hanggang alas nwebe ng gabi. Pagkatapos, hinatid niya ako sa Philcoa at pinasakay ng bus.

Nun ko lang ulit yun naramdaman matapos ang mahabang panahon. Yung walang pakialam sa iisipin ng iba. Yung hindi kailangang bantayan ang bawat galaw. Masarap nga pala ang pakiramdam ng ganun.

Nung inaaya niya akong maging kami, alam kong kaya niyang panindigan. Inaamin ko, muntik na akong pumayag.

Kaso naalala ko yung isa.

Naalala ko kung paano niya ako inalagaan nung may sakit ako.

Kung paano siya pumayag na ipakilala ko siya sa mga kaibigan ko nung pumunta kami sa Pahiyas.

Kung paano niya kinaibigan ang housemate ko na tinuturing ko nang parang kapatid.

Kung paano niya sinisikap na lumabas nang paunti-unti para sa akin kahit na natatakot siya.

Hindi man siya handang ipagsigawan sa buong mundo na gusto niya ako, hindi naman siya nagkukulang na sabihin ito sa akin, kahit pabulong lang.

Gusto niya talaga ako at gusto ko din talaga siya, pero hanggang saan kami dadalhin nun kung ganitong kailangan naming magtago?

Hay ewan. Itutulog ko na nga lang muna to.

Tanginang ulan kasi to. Nakaka-emo.

Ask Me Anything

As long as the questions are about me. I'll answer them as truthfully as I can. =P