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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Show's Over

My eyes are closed, a guy is kneeling in front of me and I am trying to savor every sensation he is giving me, but my entire body is already numb from alcohol. I feel another guy’s tongue trace a line from the back of my neck to my ear. A hand tries to pull up my shirt from behind, but I push it back down. All around me, I hear people whispering.

A bright light shines on my face and I see it through closed eyes. I quickly pull my pants up and turn away as the people around me start to scatter.

“Put that away,” someone whispers.

“But I can’t see anything,” someone answers.

A few more angry whispers and the light goes out, and everyone goes back to his place. The guy goes back to kneeling in front of me; he has not lost his stride. I close my eyes once again.

Someone behind me asks, “Are you close yet?”

I shake my head, eyes still closed, and let out a fake moan. The guy in front of me moves faster.

Someone calls my name, making me open my eyes. I look around and see a couple dozen people surrounding us. I try to search for a familiar face but it's too dark.

“There’s too many of them already,” I say as I push the guy away.

“Don’t mind them,” he says. I feel a hand hold me where his mouth was. He kisses me and I kiss him back. I feel more hands on me.

I turn away. “Wait, there’s really too many watching us already,”

I pull my pants up and break free of the hands and mouths holding me down. I get up and walk away. “Show’s over, ladies,” someone says. Sighs of dismay follow me as I squeeze through the wall of bodies. But it’s not long before the air is once again thick with sex. I look back; someone has already taken my place.

I’m back to where the lights and music are. The floor is still full of men dancing with total abandon. The sculpted ones are at the front, shirtless, gyrating and teasing. Everyone else is dancing in groups. Some are at the corners, flirting, kissing and groping.

I light a cigarette and watch everyone. Three weeks and this has become my life; three weeks of music, dancing, drinking and prowling the dark. Tonight is probably the worst.

Worst – no, I shouldn’t use that word. It’s different, but it’s really not bad at all. It’s pretty good, actually. The lights, the music and the people are beautiful. Add a little beer to the brain and they become almost scenic, radiating with an exquisite energy that breaks through my numbness.

Tonight, though, I think I have gone too far. I have to stop for now, lest I lose more of myself than I’m prepared to. I take one last lungful of smoke and drop my cigarette, stepping on its last embers as I walk out the door.

Show’s over for now.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Pinoy Gay Blog List Page



The blog list is back up, and it has a new name: PINOY GAY BLOG LIST

(click to go to the page)

Monday, October 10, 2011

To BF

Hey boyfriend, it’s me.

So we’ve really come to this point. It took me a while to accept it, but I guess it’s time that I finally did.

Wasn’t it just months ago when we started commenting on each other’s blogs? Then we met and I saw how beautiful you were inside and out. I’ve probably told you this too many times already, but I really did have a huge crush on you ever since that night we first met, since the first time I saw you walking towards me, beaming with that boyish smile.

Dimples, a perfect set of teeth, eyes that sparkled – I honestly don’t know what more I could ask for from a smile.

I didn’t think it was possible, but it happened: you became my boyfriend. For the first time in a long time, I told somebody that I loved him, and wow, did it feel good? I had already forgotten what it felt like to be happy and in love, and I felt so lucky that it was you who reminded me.

I really did love you. I know there might have been times when my actions said otherwise. Heck, I even told you that I hated you once. But for all my cheap words are worth, I’ve always been in love with you. That never changed.

I’m sorry if I was too harsh on you when we last talked. I just really wanted you to make a decision and stick to it. That’s one way to get off a slump, right? You told me that once. I’m sorry, I only wanted to help. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t be of more help.

I wish we could just go back to those days when we were still getting to know each other; those nights we spent talking and laughing on the phone for hours. You’d read me those Kokology questions, I’d answer after thinking it over for half a minute, and you’d tell me that I think too much for the questions to work. Then we’d talk some more until I fall asleep, or pretend to fall asleep. Then you, thinking that I’ve already dozed off, whisper “I love you, thank you for coming into my life,” before hanging up.

We had a good story, so good I thought it would last forever.

I’d ask you to talk to me one last time, but you probably won’t give that to me. You’ve made it pretty clear that I’m already out of your life, which means this is me turning on the desperate switch. I don’t know, maybe I just thought that I was worth more than a breakup text. I can handle it, you know? I actually prefer an actual conversation. Your text probably already said everything you wanted to say, but I still want to hear your voice when you say it.

Right, so this is where I stop myself. I’m so close to begging, and it’s not hot at all. I hope I get to see you again someday, bf. You’re a beautiful person, more than you give yourself credit for. Take care of yourself.

I love you.


Jap