How I Found The Guys I Dated

“How do I find a partner?”

It’s still one question that we gays find ourselves asking more often than we admit. If one listens to our stories of impromptu hookups, one could actually think that it’s easy for us to find partners. But that’s just sex. Sex is a lot easier to find than a boyfriend. Maybe that’s why many of us try to look for love in those places where we find sex: bath houses, massage parlors, social networking sites and all the rest. There’s nothing wrong with that. I know of partners who first met in those places and worked out just fine. As for me, though, I haven’t yet tried looking there.

Here is how I met the guys I had relationships/serious dates with:

I met my first boyfriend in an MMORPG that I played back in college. His name was Mike and he was my guildmate. We met when a few members of our guild held a “guild eyeball”. He initially claimed to be straight but that was quickly debunked on our first night, when he kissed me and I blew him. He “proposed” to me the next day, through the game chat, while we were busy slaughtering monsters. We lasted two weeks.

My next boyfriend was Vince, an orgmate in college. He told me that I’ve been his crush ever since he was still applying for our org. I didn’t entertain his confession at first because he wasn’t my type and because I had my eyes on someone else, but that someone rejected me so I said “yes” to Vince. However, he kind of knew that he was just a fallback and it made him very insecure. He got jealous of everyone, even the guy who sold fruit shakes near my apartment who I said was cute. I got tired of it all after two months and broke up with him.

After a couple of months, I met my third boyfriend: Philip. He was my roommate’s visitor. I had to leave for an exam when we first met so we didn’t get to talk a lot. When I got back home, he had already left. I spent the night thinking of ways to get his number from my roommate, which I eventually did, then spent the entire morning after staring at his name in my phonebook, thinking about what to say to him. Then I got a text. From him. Apparently, he also did some number-fishing of his own while I was gone. We went on our first date that night and became official after a week. We lasted two years and ten months. (If you're interested in the details, it's HERE.)

I went on a series of dates after the breakup, the first of which was with Carlo. He was with one of my friends when I joined them for a drink. I immediately thought that he was cute, but also that he was out of my reach. Nevertheless, I asked my friend to set us up on a date. My friend just smiled. A month later, she asked me if I was still interested. Apparently, she mentioned me to Carlo, and it turned out that he also had a crush on me. We finally had our first date a couple of weeks after that, and we continued seeing each other for the next two months.

Carlo and I didn’t exactly end on good terms. I was quite bitter, actually. Partly for revenge, I went back two weeks later to the bar we used to hang out in. There was a big party, and sure enough, Carlo was there with his friends. I decided to flirt with one of his friends whom I’ve also been crushing on: a 42-year old guy named Felipe. I was surprised when he flirted back, and even more surprised when I woke up in his place the morning after. Our setup was weird, what with him being friends with Carlo, but we went out a few more times after that.

Then I met Aaron. He was the brother of an orgmate and he also happened to be Philip’s officemate. We met at one of the many Pride March after-parties in Malate. The first time we met, I already had a distinct feeling that he hated me, which was confirmed later on. He knew about how Philip and I broke up and he had a picture of me as this heartless creature that made Philip cry. Then we got to know each other and he realized that I wasn’t such a bad guy. (Lol) We went to Malate again, just the two of us, and we still had so much fun. We started dating shortly after that. We dated for two weeks, until we agreed that we fit better as friends.

It was around this time when I found a really interesting blog. The blogger’s name was Jeff. We started commenting on each other’s blogs and we eventually agreed to meet up. He was really cute and I instantly had a crush on him. We met again a few more times. Then I tried to pursue him. The problem was he was still hung up on his ex, so it didn’t go anywhere.

To get over my frustration over Jeff, I asked several of my friends to set me up on dates. Unexpectedly, the one who responded was one of my instructors in college. He set me up with John. We met in a mall, had dinner and then talked for a couple of hours. It was obvious that we liked each other; our matchmaker had done a good job. But there was one problem: he was closeted and I was mostly out. I decided to have a time-out while we sorted out our situation.

While John and I were on a time-out, I noticed one of my officemates making his move on me. His name was Dan. It wasn’t actually our first time; we’ve known each other since college days and we’ve had an overnight fling before, but this time he was serious. His biggest advantage over John was that he was out. We went out for two weeks. We had a good time, but I was still hung up on John. I decided to end it with Dan and try again with John.

My second attempt at dating John went well at first, until THIS happened. I decided to call it quits for good after that. It was around that time that Jeff and I started talking again. That was four months after we first met. Things went faster between us this time. I visited him after a month of nightly phone conversations, and then we became official after a few more weeks. We didn’t last long, only three weeks, but he was still a great love. He dumped me, by the way.

So there, that’s how I found the guys I dated. Right now, I’m sort of seeing this guy I met through a BBM group. The group had a meet-up, and we were the hecklers in the group. We ended up going to his place. It’s still too early to tell where this is headed, but if he becomes my next boyfriend, then I won’t mind. I’d like it, actually. Lol.



I wrote this entry partly to answer the first question raised by MGG for the Love Yourself Cafe. I won’t be able to participate in the discussion, because I’ll be HERE.


If you can join in the discussion, then you should go ahead and request for an invitation. We seldom get the chance to have a healthy discourse on love and relationships between MSM.

HIV (non)scare

So I finally got tested again after more than a year. Poyee referred me to MGG who has been volunteering as an HIV counsellor. MGG and I met in a resto in Malate, chatted a little over a late breakfast, and then went to the nearby RITM satellite clinic. The med tech gave me a little “pre-test counselling” before taking my blood sample. After that, I had to wait for a couple of hours before getting the results so I hung out with MGG and his friend from The Love Yourself Project for a while. After lunch, MGG and I went back to the clinic for the results.

I’m still HIV-negative, ladies and gentlemen. I also don’t have Syphilis or Hepa-B.  I’d like to dedicate those pieces of paper to John and to ex-bf-whom-I-never-got-to-give-a-code-name. You can calm down a bit, boys. There is zero chance that I could have given either of you HIV.

While we were waiting for the result, MGG asked me something that I wasn’t really able to answer. See, I’ve already been tested before. That was easily one of the scariest things I had to go through, enough to make me abstain from sex for a long time. As you might have read from a recent entry, though, I have gone back to engaging in risky sex, and that was what MGG wanted to understand.

Why did I, someone who has had first-hand experience of the scare and who has sufficient knowledge of the risks still engage in risky sex?

When I came out negative from my test last year, I was relieved, to say the least. It seemed that I shouldn’t have been scared after all. HIV was still nowhere near me and life can go back to normal. However, that feeling of comfort was cut short when I learned not long after that one of my closest friends tested out positive. That became the biggest scare for me, learning that the virus was that close. I pulled myself together and resolved to be more careful.

The problem started, I guess, when I started to feel so close to HIV that I no longer feared it. I started to have this idea that HIV was something that’s easy to live with, a fair trade-off for a booming sex life. Also, I learned about how the virus is transmitted, the probability of infection for different sexual acts and the role you play in them, and other stuff all about contracting it. I guess I felt confident in spite of the risk because I thought I was playing well by the odds. I knew all about getting the virus; that meant I can do with smaller margins.

Stupid, right? Being educated does not mean being immune. But guess what? It’s not just me who thinks that way.

I had unprotected sex with someone the night before my test. It was unprotected because, well, we both assumed the other one had a condom. It turned out later, though, that we both preferred doing it bareback and that we were actually both hoping that the other one didn’t have a condom.

When we were chatting after the deed, I told him about the test. He said that he has it every six months. I asked him if he was worried that I might come out positive. He answered that every time he lets someone fuck him, it’s like he’s putting one foot in the grave. He knows the risk which is why he usually takes precautions. If it turns out that I had the virus and that I may have infected him, then it just means he got unlucky.

We really need to be scared again. This lack of fear will definitely get us into trouble.


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If you want to take the test and would like to have someone with you, I suggest you contact MGG at http://manilagayguy.net/ . Even if he’s not available, he knows plenty of other volunteer counsellors.

If you’re too shy to contact MGG yourself, send me an email and I’ll refer you to him. (exjasonblog@gmail.com)

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Show's Over

My eyes are closed, a guy is kneeling in front of me and I am trying to savor every sensation he is giving me, but my entire body is already numb from alcohol. I feel another guy’s tongue trace a line from the back of my neck to my ear. A hand tries to pull up my shirt from behind, but I push it back down. All around me, I hear people whispering.

A bright light shines on my face and I see it through closed eyes. I quickly pull my pants up and turn away as the people around me start to scatter.

“Put that away,” someone whispers.

“But I can’t see anything,” someone answers.

A few more angry whispers and the light goes out, and everyone goes back to his place. The guy goes back to kneeling in front of me; he has not lost his stride. I close my eyes once again.

Someone behind me asks, “Are you close yet?”

I shake my head, eyes still closed, and let out a fake moan. The guy in front of me moves faster.

Someone calls my name, making me open my eyes. I look around and see a couple dozen people surrounding us. I try to search for a familiar face but it's too dark.

“There’s too many of them already,” I say as I push the guy away.

“Don’t mind them,” he says. I feel a hand hold me where his mouth was. He kisses me and I kiss him back. I feel more hands on me.

I turn away. “Wait, there’s really too many watching us already,”

I pull my pants up and break free of the hands and mouths holding me down. I get up and walk away. “Show’s over, ladies,” someone says. Sighs of dismay follow me as I squeeze through the wall of bodies. But it’s not long before the air is once again thick with sex. I look back; someone has already taken my place.

I’m back to where the lights and music are. The floor is still full of men dancing with total abandon. The sculpted ones are at the front, shirtless, gyrating and teasing. Everyone else is dancing in groups. Some are at the corners, flirting, kissing and groping.

I light a cigarette and watch everyone. Three weeks and this has become my life; three weeks of music, dancing, drinking and prowling the dark. Tonight is probably the worst.

Worst – no, I shouldn’t use that word. It’s different, but it’s really not bad at all. It’s pretty good, actually. The lights, the music and the people are beautiful. Add a little beer to the brain and they become almost scenic, radiating with an exquisite energy that breaks through my numbness.

Tonight, though, I think I have gone too far. I have to stop for now, lest I lose more of myself than I’m prepared to. I take one last lungful of smoke and drop my cigarette, stepping on its last embers as I walk out the door.

Show’s over for now.

Pinoy Gay Blog List Page

The blog list is back up, and it has a new name: PINOY GAY BLOG LIST

CLICK HERE

(click to go to the page)

To BF

Hey boyfriend, it’s me.

So we’ve really come to this point. It took me a while to accept it, but I guess it’s time that I finally did.

Wasn’t it just months ago when we started commenting on each other’s blogs? Then we met and I saw how beautiful you were inside and out. I’ve probably told you this too many times already, but I really did have a huge crush on you ever since that night we first met, since the first time I saw you walking towards me, beaming with that boyish smile.

Dimples, a perfect set of teeth, eyes that sparkled – I honestly don’t know what more I could ask for from a smile.

I didn’t think it was possible, but it happened: you became my boyfriend. For the first time in a long time, I told somebody that I loved him, and wow, did it feel good? I had already forgotten what it felt like to be happy and in love, and I felt so lucky that it was you who reminded me.

I really did love you. I know there might have been times when my actions said otherwise. Heck, I even told you that I hated you once. But for all my cheap words are worth, I’ve always been in love with you. That never changed.

I’m sorry if I was too harsh on you when we last talked. I just really wanted you to make a decision and stick to it. That’s one way to get off a slump, right? You told me that once. I’m sorry, I only wanted to help. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t be of more help.

I wish we could just go back to those days when we were still getting to know each other; those nights we spent talking and laughing on the phone for hours. You’d read me those Kokology questions, I’d answer after thinking it over for half a minute, and you’d tell me that I think too much for the questions to work. Then we’d talk some more until I fall asleep, or pretend to fall asleep. Then you, thinking that I’ve already dozed off, whisper “I love you, thank you for coming into my life,” before hanging up.

We had a good story, so good I thought it would last forever.

I’d ask you to talk to me one last time, but you probably won’t give that to me. You’ve made it pretty clear that I’m already out of your life, which means this is me turning on the desperate switch. I don’t know, maybe I just thought that I was worth more than a breakup text. I can handle it, you know? I actually prefer an actual conversation. Your text probably already said everything you wanted to say, but I still want to hear your voice when you say it.

Right, so this is where I stop myself. I’m so close to begging, and it’s not hot at all. I hope I get to see you again someday, bf. You’re a beautiful person, more than you give yourself credit for. Take care of yourself.

I love you.


Jap